TELEVISION . . . THE NON-REALITY SIDE

Televison and commercials . . . and you gotta love the commercials.  Years ago with the coming of VHS recorders, Madison Avenue realized that the viewing public got really smart, really quick.  Viewers learned that by recording their favorite tv fare, they could cut viewing time by one quarter just by fast forwarding through the annoying commercials.  Not good for the boys from “Mad Men” however.

But, the ad agencies also got real smart, real fast.  They started making commercials so interesting , so amusing, so . . . assinine that hopefully people would not do the “F/F” thing.  They hoped that the high tech editing and flashy, comedic video would make people want to watch their works of art and thereby buy the products being advertised.  I’m  sure that it had some of the desired effect.  However, in our house we still record and “F/F” through programs whenever possible.  It’s the times we have to watch in real time (ooooohhhhh shudder, shudder, cringe, cringe) that we have to bear up under the burden of watching commercials.

GOOD CLEAN FUN

Case in point, the prescription drug for the latest social disease, “Erectile Dysfunction” or as it is known in polite circles ED.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that there are men out there that experience this malady and I apologize for seeming to be unsympathetic.  Believe me, if I experienced it, I would buy and use it in a heart beat.  As a matter of fact, the first drug developed that eventually became the hotest seller was developed for people with actual cardiac problems, not ED.

Anyway, one of the latest advertising campaigns hawking a drug that I will call, SeeAgra shows a couple in presumably everyday circumstances and suddenly he gets the urge to have a nooner.  Bingo!  Everything in the house begins to literally unfold into the most ridiculous of settings. You can just imagine him saying, “Hey babe, how about out in the backyard in a tent?  I don’t think the neighbors will notice anything suspicious.” Or another one where the couple winds up in a private box at the opera.  Give me a break, do you really think that the sound the audience heard was the fat lady singing?  I don’t think so.

But what I think is best of all is the end of the commercial where the couple is sitting outside in their backyard in separate clawfoot bathtubs.  What neighborhood do they live in?  Our homeowner’s association strictly forbids naked couples sitting outside in clawfoot bathtubs.  Not because it violates any ordinances, but because there is nothing but a bunch of saggy, wrinkled old people living here!

Plumber, Plumber, give me the news!

PIPE DREAMS

Next there is the prescription drug to control incontinence in women.  Here we see a bunch of people, mostly women, made out of copper pipe.  Now, I know it’s supposed to conjure up visions of women having trouble with their “plumbing”,  so do these “pipe” women call a plumber to get their prescriptions?  If that is the case, why don’t they just eat some hair and drink a lot of bacon grease?  That’s what happens all the time at our house, hair in the bathroom drains, grease in the kitchen sink. DUH! We just use a drain cleaner, we don’t call a doctor.

WHAT THE  . . .??????

Then there is the commercial with the brand new, just off the showroom floor, Sport Utility Vehicle looking out over a beautiful desert vista.  The sun is just going down or coming up (I never have figured that one out) and the owners, a father, mother, and three small children are standing alongside, smiling and enjoying the view.  Then the camera slowly zooms out and we see that the vehicle is sitting smack dab in the middle of a fifty story mesa in Monument Valley in the American southwest.

I want to know “Where is Child Protection Services when we really need them?  And the DEA?  You tell me dad wasn’t snorting something before getting in that vehicle!”  Did the AAA plan his route or did he use the PCP?

CAUTION: USE ONLY AS PRESCRIBED

Finally there is what I like to call television “Fine Print”.  That’s where the announcer starts rattling off as fast as possible, possible side effects which I am sure is required by the FDA, the FCC, the FAA, and all of the other federal agencies with three letters beginning with “F”.  Once I recorded a tv drug commercial and replayed it back at a slower speed. If I’m lying I’m dying.  Here is what the announcer said about possible side effects:

          “ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF (NAME OF DRUG) IS RIGHT FOR YOU.  DON’T USE THIS DRUG IF YOU WILL BE DRIVING IN THE NEXT TWO YEARS, ARE PREGNANT OR WOULD LIKE TO GET PREGNANT. WOMEN/MEN SHOULD NOT USE THIS DRUG. ALCOHOL SHOULD NOT BE CONSUMED WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT, SMOKING AND CONSUMING ALCOHOL IN AN ESTABLISHMENT WHERE THE BAR MAID HAS MORE TATTOOS THAN THE BAR OWNER. UGLY WOMEN OR WOMEN WHO WERE UGLY AT TEN P.M. BUT ARE NOW BEAUTIFUL AT TWO A.M. SHOULD NOT USE THIS DRUG. MEN WHO ARE SITTING AT A BAR AND SEE PRETTY WOMEN AT TWO A.M. SHOULD REFRAIN FROM USING THIS DRUG UNTIL SOBER.  THE MANUFACTURER OF THIS DRUG IS NOT RESPONSIBLE.”

Honest Rocky, Honestly

GOOD OL’ DAZE

I long for the good old days.  Ah yes, the good old days of tv when commercials didn’t insult our intelligence.  When a furniture store owner got on tv and yelled at the top of his lungs that “We offer the best selection of the finest funiture with the lowest prices with no money down no interest with free delivery within a thousand mile radius with ninety-six months to pay.”

Or the used car guy with the long hair and untied necktie who yelled at the top of his lungs that “You can come on down to our lot and we’ll put you in a clean used car today!  No job, no credit, no problem.  Jus’ tellem Rocky sent yah!”  If you look closely enough you’ll realize that this is the same guy that six months ago was trying to sell you furniture.

Yes sir, commercials with real products and real people we could believe in, that’s what I long for!

NOTICE: NO PIPE PEOPLE OR USED CAR SALESMEN WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG POST.  PLEASE SIT OUTSIDE, NAKED IN CLAWFOOT TUBS RESPONSIBLY.

LEGITIMATE NOTE:  All original written material or original graphics are property of the originator and author of this blog (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com  when use is permitted.

REALLY WEIRD DREAMS

The Eleven of Spades

          I think that you would have to agree with me, dreams by their very nature are really weird.  At least mine are.  Not like the ones that are portrayed in the movies. You know the ones where the picture is very blurry except for the center which is clear as a bell.  The characters are all as they appear in the rest of the film, in the same surroundings. The only thing different is that they speak with slow, droopy voices.  I’m talking about the ones that sound like Darth Vader with a mouth full of peanut butter and molasses with a smattering of 20W-50 Motor Oil.

STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT

I don’t know  about your dreams, but mine never take place in a setting that I’m familiar  with. The people are sometimes real people but most of the time they are total  strangers who are supposed to be people I know.  For example, I’m supposed to be at home, but the structure looks nothing  like it.  I know that someone is supposed  to be my cousin, but they bear no resemblance to him.  We never did get along, but he didn’t have boobs,  horns on his head and a long red tail.  That was the old man next door.

WHAT’S FOR DINNER

The other morning I had one where my wife had a stroke and was walking around with onions and green peppers pinned in her hair. When I awoke, I jumped out of bed scared out of my wits and ran into the kitchen. She was sitting there reading the morning paper healthy as can be. I know I startled her when I asked her if she were okay. “Why would you ask such a thing?” she replied. I told her about my recent dream and she laughed as she pulled pickled cauliflower and stewed prunes from her ears. Seems I was still asleep and dreaming. A dream within a dream. Boy was I relieved when I realized what was happening. But that’s okay, because it really wasn’t my wife reading the paper anyway. And, all of the people in our kitchen, which BTW wasn’t our kitchen, they were strangers waiting for a bus.

ONE RINGY DINGY, TWO RINGY DINGY

Then there are the recurring dreams.  Mine is that I’m trying to make a phone call and the instrument doesn’t work.  It’s usually a cell phone with a dial instead of a key pad or a calculator that only connects me with the math department at MIT.  Kevin Spacey always answers and he tells me to “hold on seventeen.”  I tell him that’s absurd because the name of the movie is “21“, not seventeen.  But he then reminds me that there is no “eleven” card in the deck, so how could I get twenty one.  “Oh, right,” I reply.  “Thanks. Then I’ll take a dozen American Beauty Roses.”  “Okay.” he says, “That will be one hundred foil  covered chocolate coins.”

THE HALL OF MIRRORS WITHOUT THE MIRRORS

Another form of dream that I experience is what I call “the endless hallway”.  In this dream I am trying to get from point A to point B on a very important mission or trying to accomplish a crucial task.  I have to go through a building, usually paneled in mahogany with chrome trim accented with slate grey, short nap commercial grade carpeting, lit with recessed fluorescent lighting.  The designer has tied it all together with retro Danish modern chairs covered in an aquamarine tinted faux burlap fabric and Picasso prints on the walls.  There are glass walls on either side. Then I realize that I’m in an episode of “Retro Office” on HGTV and I begin running, my briefcase contents spilling onto the floor, screaming frantically “I want My MTV.”  That’s when I wake up and realize that nature is calling.  Good thing I didn’t duck into the men’s room, I’d have been in trouble.

HE WHO LAUGHS LAST

Finally, we can’t forget about the “unprepared” dreams. I’m talking about the dream where I am preparing to go on a trip, give a major presentation at the office or deliver lines on stage.  Nothing is ever falling into place, I mean with the exception of the sky.  The suitcase won’t close and I can’t reach the airline by phone (this is called a combo dream because I am combining the “broken telephone” with the “unprepared”. . . ooooh, one of the worst kind) and, I am at the gate waiting to board the aircraft.  If that isn’t enough, I forgot to put my trousers on and everyone is laughing at me.  But that’s okay.  They don’t realize that they’re supposed to be in my kitchen waiting for the bus. Who’s laughing now?

THE MEANING OF DREAMS

We could drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out the meaning of our dreams. Some people even keep a pad and pencil next to their bed to record theirs as soon as they wake up. Personally, I just choose to take them for what they are, a manifestation of my deep seated, long forgotten but always present inner child longing to be free from the bonds of a troubled society wrapped up in turmoil and distrust, powdered with a desire to unleash my pent up hostilities. Either that or the pizza with everything on it I had for dinner. I’ll ask my shrink at my next session how that makes him feel.

If you have weird dreams tonight, don’t blame it on me. Just look at what you had for dinner the night before.

NOTE:  All original written material or original graphics are property of the originator and author of this blog (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com  when use is permitted.