Valentine’s Day. Ah yes, yet another greeting card/candy/floral industry fabricated holiday to accompany such memorable occasions as Grandparents Day, St. Patrick’s day and, let’s not forget Groundhog day! I know, I know, we don’t send cards to each other or buy chocolate groundhogs to hand out as gifts to one another, so I won’t blame that one on Hallmark or Russell Stover!
According to my favorite anonymous source, there really was a guy named Valentinus who was arrested by the Romans because he was performing weddings for soldiers and ministering to the Christians both of which at the time were against Roman law. Apparently the first “Valentine” was his farewell note to a young lady he was said to have healed of a sickness while he was in prison. It was appropriately signed “from your Valentine. “
Oddly enough, it’s not just a memorable day in the west, but also in Scandinavia and Asia. That’s right my fellow American males, we’re not the only ones responsible for shoring up the economy just after the Christmas madness and wreaking havoc in our “Romantic” relationships!
Since both Christmas and Mardi Gras are behind us, I thought it appropriate to recognize the day that “is considered by some to be a Hallmark holiday (NOT MY WORDS FOLKS) due to its commercialization.” Note the last word in that last sentence! So in honor of all our capitalist cronies, I thought that I would list some of the worst Valentine’s Day (which by the way this year falls on February 14th) gifts and ideas that I could muster up! Enjoy.
MY LIST OF TEN WORST VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS AND IDEAS
10. A Valentine’s Day card to your boyfriend with the following verse:
“Thank you for the fun I had, now you’re going to be a Dad!”
9. An item of sexy lingerie, size 12 when you know for a fact that she is a size 6.
8. Making a “FaceTime” cellphone call on Valentine’s Day from inside “The Velvet Bunny” gentlemen’s club telling her that you are going to be late for her party.
7. Giving her a Shotgun.
6. Forgetting that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and having to make up some lame excuse to run out of the house at the last minute to pay an exorbitant, obscene amount of cash for picked over candy and a card.
5. Asking her to lend you some money while you run into the florist for a minute . . . on February 14th.
4. Putting the wrong name with the wrong address on your two girlfriend’s Valentine’s Day cards.
3. Having a woman who can cook, make mad passionate love, use a chainsaw and drink you under the table and running into all four at the same lounge at the same time on Valentine’s Day.
2. Sending her a four-foot high Teddy Bear (unless it is holding a small box containing no less than a five carat diamond ring).
AND THE NUMBER ONE REALLY, REALLY STUPID MOVE . . .
1. Chocolate . . . in any form! She may be a “chocaholic”, but you won’t have to feel responsible when she asks you to answer the question “Honey, do these jeans make me look fat?”
Well, there you have it. My spin on St. Valentine’s day. I hope your’s is everything you hoped it would be. Thanks, as always, for stopping by cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS and I hope that if you liked what you saw, you’ll tell a friend. If you didn’t, call my customer service hot line at 1-800-555-tufluck. They’ll send you to Helen Waite, so go to Helen Waite. Either way, Happy Valentine’s Day.
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