SORRY FOLKS, RANDY SLIPPED IN AGAIN UN-NOTICED.
I FOR ONE THINK IT HIGH TIME THAT WE TAKE A HARD LOOK AT CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS IN THIS COUNTRY AND THE ADVERSE EFFECTS THAT THEY ARE HAVING ON OUR SOCIETY!
LET’S FACE IT FOLKS, IT’S A NEW ERA AND TIMES, AS THAT INTENSELY PROFOUND PHILOSPHER BOB DYLAN SAYS “THE TIMES, THEY ARE A CHANGIN’“
A BRIEF LOOK BACK
In the past when songs like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman were written, the time was gentler, more serene. I mean, all we had to worry about were Germans invading Poland and eventually the Cold War and the “Bomb”. Sssh! A walk in the park compared to what we are dealing with today.
WORKPLACE SAFETY AND THE COPS
Take for instance “The Night Before Christmas”. A wonderful, beautiful poem about Santa’s annual visit to all good little girls and boys, spreading joy and love. You can throw that crap out the window! I want to know where are the cops patrolling the streets looking for intruders entering people’s homes and not through the front door mind you, but through the chimney. Heck, the chimney! Is there a more conspicuous feature of a house?
Not only that, why is OSHA not on the job? Here’s an ageless old man climbing around on slippery, snowy roofs without a safety harness or proper industrial footwear . . . and let’s not forget about approved headgear!
Not to mention PETA. Who’s watching out for the well-being of the reindeer? It doesn’t appear that the “Old Fart” has taken into consideration that those poor defenseless creatures might get hungry on that long journey around the world. Has he stored provisions for them? I don’t see any!
Then you have those wretched tobacco people promoting smoking! Where’s the Medical profession when you need them to wail like wounded Banshees about the evils of using pipe tobacco? I guess they’re all snug in their beds dreaming about sugar plums! Huh! Don’t get me started on the sugar industry.
Speaking about reindeer, what’s with this bullying taking place at the North Pole? Why wouldn’t “all the other reindeer” let Rudolph join in any reindeer games? Was it because he was DIFFERENT? Sounds like a clear-cut case of species discrimination to me. Hey ACLU, open up an office in Santaland, will you! Just because he had a red nose doesn’t give his fellow workers any reason to ostracize him. If you ask me, I think old Blitzen had a drinking problem, Cupid may have been a little on the limp hoof side and Vixen, probably tattooed and pierced in places we don’t need to know about. Talk about outside of the norm!
Then there’s Frosty the Snowman. Who in their right mind would build a Snowman when it’s warm outside? It snowed, so it must have been cold when the kids created him, right? Why did Frosty deteriorate so quickly?
Global Warming, I tell you, Global Warming. Greenhouse gasses, carbon emissions, cow flatulence! They’re all responsible for the rapid demise of one of our most beloved, revered and respected of all Christmas characters. Plus, it’s a waste of a good button.
Oh, and let’s not forget about Frosty’s “Corn Cob Pipe”. What’s used in a corn cob pipe? That’s right tobacco. C’mon Medical Association, wake up and smell the Sir Walter Raleigh!
The Christmas Song and Nat King Cole, what a combination. Ahh, yes. Only thing is, there is something wrong with this picture. Does anyone ever see a fire extinguisher anywhere around that “open fire”? How about an ambulance somewhere in the picture to take care of any burns due to too much Christmas Cheer being imbibed?
You’d also think that our neighbors to the north, fellow Americans at that, would take offense at the blatant reference to “Eskimos”. Aren’t they too considered Native Americans?
And this fantasy telling kids about “flying reindeer”, a clear-cut case of child abuse if I ever saw one. I’ll make a note to call Child Protection Services right after I finish this posting.
Finally, here’s another case of the ACLU sleeping on the job. I know it’s been said many times, many ways, but this wishing me a “Merry Christmas” has definitely got to stop. Who knows, I might be offended. The words of that song need to be changed to “Happy Holidays to you” and I mean right now.
I’LL JINGLE YOUR CHIMES
Seems with all of the other safety issues raised above, no one ever stops to consider that “Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh” might be a bit dangerous. Let’s see, there’s no roll bar on the sleigh, the occupants are not required to wear seat belts, there’s no safety inspection sticker to be seen anywhere on the vehicle and obviously there is no regard for speed. That last point is evident in the fact that Miss Bright (what the heck kind of name is Fanny anyway? Quite possibly she’s an “exotic” dancer?) was seated next to the driver, probably in a compromising position, they hit a snow bank and flipped the dang thing. Speeding. Once again, no cops and no ambulance anywhere to be seen.
Make a note: Noise pollution from all of those bells too.
A partridge in a pear tree, huh? What the #@*+? In today’s economy it’s tough enough to shell out $5.39 for fried chicken, fries and a drink at Popeye’s much less $100,000.00. That’s what the estimated cost was in 2011 for the Twelve Days of Christmas; over one hundred thousand semoleons. My Leaping Lords, who needs all of that crap and aggravation? Let’s see:
1. The birds are messy, and they need feed.
2. You have to house and feed the Leaping Lords, Dancing Ladies, Pipers, Milk Maids and Drummers.
3. Gold is about $1700.00 an ounce.
4. Where are you going to put the cows when the maids aren’t milking them?
5. Music lessons for the Pipers, Drummers, transportation to and from any gigs for those so inclined.
6. Dance lessons for the Lords and Ladies, transportation for them also.
7. Animal wranglers.
8. A pond for the Geese.
9. A Veterinarian for the animals, they don’t come cheap.
10. Citation and fines for keeping animals inside the city limits and all the noise from those “hippie” musicians.
Whoa! Christmas shopping for Dad, 2.5 kids, Granny and Gramps don’t seem so bad now, does it?
A MODERN DAY HOLIDAY CAROL
Finally, we have to stop dealing in the occult and forget Charlie Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”. Why? Ghosts, that’s why. Anyone in his right mind knows that ghosts don’t exist.
And what about that kind and gentle Ebenezer Scrooge who’s been given a bum rap as a “cruel old boss”? Hey, the man is a capitalist, for crying out loud! Capitalists are in business to make money. If Bob Cratchit didn’t like his job, then he should’ve quit and opened up the position for some other needy soul.
Well, it had to be said and I’m the one to say it. Christmas was a wonderful time of the year, but that’s all changed now. We can’t have any fun any more, because that’s been legislated out of style. Yahoos and Nincompoops have seen to that. So, button up your London Fog, grab your Coach Bag, get in your Mercedes and head on out to Macy’s to do your shopping for Holiday gifts. None of this Christmas nonsense for me, no sir. I’m gonna get with the program and be politically correct from now on.
Merry . . . er . . . Happy Holidays . . . oh what the hey. . . Merry Christmas and God Bless everyone!
BLOGGER’S NOTE: ONCE WHEN RANDY WAS KIDNAPPED, HIS FAMILY WAS ON VACATION. WHEN THE KDINAPPERS CALLED WITH THE RANSOM DEMANDS, THE MESSAGE WENT TO VOICE MAIL; HIS FAMILY WAS ON A 3 MONTH WORLD CRUISE. THE KIDNAPPERS EVENTUALLY GAVE HIM SOME CASH AND RELEASED HIM IN DUBUQUE.
AWESOME AT BLOGGING AWARDS AWARD
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