ANOTHER FEW AGONIZING MINUTES WITH RANDY LOONEY

RANDY IS A GUEST COLUMNIST THAT I INVITE TO SIT IN FOR ME FROM TIME TO TIME.  I STILL HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT WHY I LET HIM.  J.

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I just couldn’t stand it anymore!  I had to say something because nobody else has stepped up to the plate, bellied up to the bar, or toted that barge and lifted that bale!  What’s with these two clowns running for president of the United States?  Don’t they know this is serious business, or at least it used to be.  When I was a young lad we didn’t have all of this “nanny, nanny boo boo” crap that’s being bandied about on tv and radio, not to mention the waning print media. Candidates dressed in girly looking outfits and engaged in nice clean gentlemen’s contests, like bare knuckle fighting.  It was bloody bottom lips, black eyes, no hitting below the belt,  and no whining, just plain brute strength.  That’s what it was.

Not so today.  You’d think that these two bozos were elementary school kids in a playground dispute over whose father was the toughest, complete with the “My old man can lick your old man with one hand tied behind his back!” rhetoric.

NEW FANGLED STUFF

Only thing different today is we have the electronic media to thrust them into ignominity.  Neither of the candidates better ever say or do anything they don’t want repeated, even if it’s true because within hours it’s turned into a television ad maligning them.  Kind of like me and my older sister on a car trip.  Here’s what I mean:

YESTERDAY

Sis: Mom, he’s looking at me.

Me: Yeah, well she flicked a booger on to the back of your head and didn’t tell you.

Sis: I did no such thing!  Mom, I didn’t!  He’s lying!

Mom:  Randrew, haven’t I told you not to make up stories about your sister?

Me: I’m not making it up, Mom!  She’s lying and making up stories!

That was when she was twelve and I was ten.  However, if the same scenario played out today, this is the way it would go:

TODAY

Sis: Mom, he’s looking at me.

Me: Yeah, well she flicked a booger on to the back of your head and didn’t tell you.

Sis: I did no such thing!  Mom, I didn’t!  He’s lying!

Mom:  Randrew, haven’t I told you not to make up stories about your sister?

Me: I’m not making it up, Mom!  She’s lying and making up stories!  Look, I have the video right here on my smart phone to prove it!  (I show her the evidence)

Sis:  You creepy little sack of s**t you!

(Whips out her smart phone)

Mom, wanna see what I have on your precious “Randrew” while he was in the bathroom last night for so long?

See what I mean, nothing about the issues, just hardcore shenanigans that no one really cared about.  My sister really did flick a booger and I didn’t spend that long in the bathroom.

THIRD PARTY AGITATORS

And if the electronic augmentation is not enough, we have the radical radio and tv talk show nincompoops stirring the proverbial pot.  Back when I was a more mature grown-up young adult all we had were the three tv networks and the 6:00 news to help us in our decision-making.  Again, not so today.  Seems like all of the vermin are crawling out from underneath rocks and out of the gutters screaming at the top of their lungs that the candidates are either socialist- commy-pinko-sympathizers or radical-anti minority-grandma-bashing-gangsters!  I wouldn’t be surprised if each of the candidates secretly had some of these rapscallions on their campaign payrolls.

Who in the hell are we supposed to believe?  Steven Colbert?  For crying out loud he’s a guy who plays a newsman named “Steven Colbert!”  He’s a “newsman?????”

STICKING IN MY CRAW

What the heck is a “Craw” anyway?  Well it doesn’t matter.  All of this stuff is sticking in it!  Why can’t they just stick to the issues instead of acting like rowdy nudniks?  We live in a free society where “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness” are the foundation of our way of life, not guaranteed by anybody or anything.  But to pursue the first two we need to live in a country where each of us is guaranteed the right to a chance at the first two.  Both of these guys have to remember that fact as they slug it out for our votes.

And to get those votes, they have to be specific about what they are going to do to give us that right.  Not hurl horse hockey at each other and bring up the fact that his “Worthy opponent” once smelled marijuana smoke in his dorm and did nothing to leave the area.  Heck, we’d all be in trouble if that was the case.  Besides, who cares what they both did 30 years ago?  Who of us even remembers what we did 30 years ago?  (Let’s see, I was probably in my dorm room in Bosworth Hall inhaling deeply.)

Stick to the issues guys.  The economy sucks!  We are entangled in America’s longest war in a country that doesn’t want us there.  Unemployment is getting worse every week with predictions bleaker than Britney Spears hopes of being selected as Mother of the Year.

GROW UP

Grow up!  Quit acting like Scut Farkas and start acting like Ralphie Parker.  Unlike Scut the neighborhood bully and his toadie Grover, Ralphie dreamed about that Red Ryder BB rifle with the compass in the stock. He had grand designs of knocking off Black Bart and his crafty band of masked marauders without putting his own eye out.  He dreamed of doing honorable things and never once said a bad word (well, a least we never heard the one he was supposed to have uttered in the tire changing incident) about anything or anyone.

UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WE KNOW, A TRUE CLASSIC HERO!

Drop the accusations and maligning tactics.  Stick to the issues.  We’re interviewing you for a job and we have to know that you really want it because you’re the most qualified candidate.  Not because “Your Old man can beat up our old man.”  What do you think it all looks like to us, your future employers?

If my old man were alive today, he’d take them up on that challenge.  Right after his dinner at the 4:00 PM seating and his third trip to the bathroom.  That’s provided the orderlies don’t catch him trying to sneak out of the front door.

AND FOR YOU THE READERS

For heaven’s sake, get out and vote on November 6th.  My father used to say “If you didn’t vote in the last election, don’t complain about the way the government is being run!”  Didn’t do me any good.  Hell, I voted in the last election and I still complain!  But that’s all right, I make a lot of money doing just that!

RANDY LOONEY

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NOTE: Randy is, well, just Randy.  I’ll leave it at that!

PHOTO CREDIT: BARE KNUCKLES, A CHRISTMAS STORY

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A 2012 AWESOME AT AWARDING AWARDS AWARD WINNER

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LEGAL STUFF: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL! All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE.

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2 thoughts on “ANOTHER FEW AGONIZING MINUTES WITH RANDY LOONEY

  1. Bringing up Farkas and Ralphie was genius. That’s pretty much it. I do have high hopes for tonight’s debate. Foreign policy should turn out to be a pretty good topic, given recent revelations about events in Libya (and something new! another assassination, this time in Yemen). Well, and we do have Ryan and Biden. I’m tuning in. 😉

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