IDEAS WHOSE TIME HAD COME . . . AND SHOULD NOT HAVE + THE STYCKZ FAMILY

KEEPIN’ THE SHINY SIDE UP AND THE GREASY SIDE DOWN!

In a never ending effort to use my many talents to enlighten, you, my readers and broaden your horizons (not to mention fill space in this blog), I decided that it was time to unveil some long thought about ideas that have been stumbling around in my head.  I’m sure that A.G. Bell was ridiculed by his peers when he told them about his ideas for talking over distances.  But when his idea of two cans and a string proved to be a viable one, his old buddies didn’t laugh at Albert Gronsky Bell any longer!  No siree!

Several years ago some sport utility vehicles made the news in a big way when it was determined that when certain tires that were installed on them blew, that they had a tendency to roll over causing accidents and killing several of their occupants.  That started me thinking.  How could we make highway travel safer for everyone involved?

AN IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS COME

In 1941 a Swiss engineer, Georges de Mestral, was returning from a hunting trip with his dog. He noticed that burrs, the seeds of the burdock plant were sticking to his clothes and his dog’s fur.  After closer examination of the burrs under a microscope, he realized that the seeds had hooks on the ends of their tiny spines that latched on to anything that had a loop, or furry texture, such as animal hair.  To make a long story short, he eventually invented the fastener we now know as “Velcro.”

So why the short history lesson and what does it have to do with highway safety you might ask?  Well, I have the answer.  Tires and road beds, that’s what.  You see if we were to cover the highway surface with the loop part of velcro and then wrap the surface of automobile tires with the hook part of it, vehicles would not roll over at any speed.  Brilliant huh?  A lot of testing has to be done on how many miles you would get on a set of tires wrapped in velcro, but we’re working on it. Admittedly there are a few other kinks that have to be worked out, but you have to admit, the idea does have potential.

DRAWBACKS

As with any new idea, there will be some drawbacks, but we are Americans and we never let anything like drawbacks stand in our way.  Here are some questions and possible answers:

1.  How many miles can we get from a set of velcro covered tires?  Good question.

2.  And what happens if we get out on the highway and have a blowout?  Simple answer; Just find a fabric store that sells velcro and hope that they deliver!

3.  I’ll get back to you on this one.

PERSONAL AIR SPACE

Next, but not better, Personal Air Space.  Or, to be more precise, “Personal Air Conditioned Space.”  Have you ever been to an outdoor sporting event in the middle of August and it was middle afternoon and the sun was shining right smack dab in the middle of your face?  What to do?

A personal air conditioned box of your very own.  Why not?  The big boys have their suites.  The sports casters have their press boxes.  Aren’t you just as good as those guys?  Damn straight your are!  Not only good for the summertime, but what about those winters up in Minneapolis! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! Talk about getting a “cold tomato!”  Let’s see those “Cheese Headed” clowns in Green Bay top this one!  We just have to make sure that some people with “brain freeze” don’t try to keep the inside warm by building a campfire.

HE CAN’T HEAR A THING!

Now, as with the velcro tires and highway covering, there are a few kinks that have to be worked out.

1.You will need either a real long extension cord, or a generator large enough to run the a/c unit, tv, satellite dish and refrigerator necessary to turn your plain vanilla box into your own private luxury suite.

2.You will need to buy the seat next to you to place the generator (If that is the way you will be powering your accessories)

3.You’ll need to start going to the gym way before the season starts to build up your biceps and abs in order to defend yourself against irate fans. Either that or go to the gym and hire your own private security goons (That will require buying another two or three seats).

4.If you intend on inviting a few friends to join you at the game, just multiply the requirements above commensurate with the number of friends invited.

WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THESE AT HOME AS SERIOUS INJURY COULD RESULT.  WRITER IS A TRAIN PROFESSIONAL.

AND NOW, I GIVE YOU THE –

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