FRAN, YOUR FRIENDLY PERSONAL FITNESS GUY.
Back in September of 2011 I was treated to my second coronary bypass operation in less than three years. The funny thing is my wife and I work out 6 days a week over at the fitness center around the corner. I did a lot of soul searching and came up with one conclusion: The staff and the machines over at MUSSCLE JYM’S FITNESS CENTER are just not doing their job of keeping me fit! I mean if they were, maybe I wouldn’t have had to go under the knife so soon after my first procedure. Am I wrong?!
HERE’S OUR EXERCISE ROUTINE ON A TYPICAL MORNING
- The wife and I get there at 7:30 AM. Chat with the people behind the counter about the weather and politics. Have a cup of free coffee and eat a free bagel with some strawberry flavored cream cheese. This usually takes about 15 minutes.
- About 7:45 or so our friends, Chuck and his wife Bobbie, come in while we’re at the counter. We chat for about 10 minutes, have another cup of coffee.
- What the heck, it’s now ten after eight, time for another half of a bagel this time with lots of blueberry cream cheese.
- A few minutes later I look out over the floor and I see Pastor Babble from our church working out on one of the exercycles. I wave and he calls me over. There’s an empty one next to him so I sit down and we talk a while. It’s now 8:35.
- We say our goodbyes and I walk over towards one of the treadmills. Before I get on and begin, my wife catches up with me and reminds me to call my brother about the lodge fish fry that night. I do it before I forget.
- I look at the clock and it’s 8:50. Now I’m ready to begin my workout. I start searching for my ear buds. I can’t work on the treadmill without my ear buds! I start doing the “Macarena”, or at least that’s what my wife says I look like I’m doing when I start looking for things on my person. Darn, they’re in the car. I have to go and get them.
- I get back inside and wouldn’t you know it, I’m hungry again; the other half of the bagel, this time plain cream cheese. Then it’s on to the treadmill . . . it’s now nine-o-five. I plug my ear buds into the tv monitor receiver and . . . nothing. CNN, NBC, FOX News, all dead as a door nail (what exactly is a door nail anyway?). I have to look for an empty treadmill. A quick spin of the head and darn, they’re all taken! I decide to go it without the news. Darn again! This treadmill doesn’t work.
- I step down from the number nine machine and stop Fran, the fitness trainer and advise him of number nine’s condition. “Yes, J.” he says, “we’re aware of it. All you have to do is make sure it’s plugged in like Larry just did. Sometimes people kick the plug out of the socket. Larry doesn’t stay on it very long. It’ll be free in about five minutes.” I look over and sure enough Larry’s tread milling away on ol’ number 9, listening to CNN!
- It’s now 9:20. I’m beat. I look for my wife who is just finishing up her workout. She signals that she is ready to leave. So am I! We head for the door.
- Wow! There’s one more bagel left.
See what I mean. I wonder if I’d have better luck at the “Y”? Naw, they don’t have free beer and pizza every Monday night!.
LOVE IN BLOOM
Then there’s the young women at the front desk! Brazen. That’s the best way to describe them, brazen. They think that the sun rises and sets on me. I mentioned the free bagels and coffee above. Everyone else has to pay, including my wife. I have never been able to figure that one out. But what the heck, I have to admit, I am charming. Mariline, especially won’t leave me alone. She speaks fluent Spanish and always says the sweetest things to me en Espanol.
The other day she told me that I was her “Pequeño-a rata valiosísimo sucio-a.” Ah Espanol, what a beautiful language! So I repaid the compliment to her and told her that she was the “Chocolate’ pollo El grande de la cora’zon.” She has the sweetest laugh.
Then there’s the manager Calley. What a babe! She once told me that she “. . . wouldn’t waste a minute chasing after me!” Man, you know you’ve got it when a dame tells you something like that!
In the words of that famous Country and Western singer Mac Davis “Lord it’s hard to be humble, but I’m doin’ the best that I can!”
Fran the personal fitness guy . . . what a guy! I think I remember him and “wedgies” from high school. The only thing different is that he had hair back then and now he gets paid to taunt me. The other day he was trying to get me to bench press twenty pounds. When I was explaining about my recent surgery, I believe that I heard him mumble something under his breath that resembled the word “maggot”. I never did make the connection.
ONE OF MUSSCLE JYM'S "STATE OF THE ART" MACHINES.
Well, regardless, I am determined to avoid another visit to the cardiac surgical unit of the hospital. One heart can only take so much fun! Besides, I don’t believe that I have any more veins for the doctor to harvest. I just think that I’ll lay off of the strawberry cream cheese, besides strawberries give me gas.
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