CONSPIRACIES – REAL OR IMAGINED? (and Men in Black)

HEY KIDS, THESE MEN IN BLACK ARE NOT RABBIS!

Several years ago Mel Gibson starred in a movie called Conspiracy Theory about a New York cabbie who, well, thought the governement was after him.  Ever since I saw that movie I’ve come to realize that I’m not crazy like I thought I was, but that the government really is after me.  Well, at least the IRS, the SSA, the CPSC, the RNC and the Mississippi Institute of the Nonexistant Demented (or MIND for short).  Now, I’ve come to find out from my anonymous sources that blogging is nothing more than a government conspiracy to get me to join a “Cult”!  That’s right mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be bloggers!

How do I know, you ask?  Well just start a blog and spend your time with other bloggers and read their posts.  You’ll see.  It’s not the posts so much that other bloggers (who are part of the conspiracy) create as it is the subliminal messages hidden in between the lines of their posts.  Oh, I know what you are saying.  “J., you’re paranoid!”

J.  “Not I’m not.”

VOICE IN HIS HEAD.  “Yes you are.”

J.  “Am not!”

VIHH.  “Are too!”

J.  “Not!”

VIHH.  “Too!”

Can you folks give us a minute here? Thank you.

J.  “Mumble. mumble.”

VIHH.  “Psssst,  hrmph”

J.  “Biffledagle, shssh!”

VIHH.  “Mumblish, shicklefirstish.”

Okay, we’re back . . . I mean, I’m back.  Let’s say for instance you access a blog maybe called Monkey Fetish and find  it’s not really about Monkeys.  It’s about the blogger’s life, or their dating disasters, or maybe recipes.  Then you hang around long enough and you begin to see patterns, recurring words, thought trains and pictures.

DON’T BE FOOLED BY INNOCENT LOOKS

Take for instance the blog I went to recently touting exotic mixed drinks.  I started noticing that the words Tequila, Rum, Garnish, Club Soda and Mix were used consistently, not in random patterns mind you, but in distinct consecutive, repetitive, thoughts.  I picked out a recipe for a drink called the Singapore Single.  I studied the lines of the recipe carefully and picked out the key words, then the letters, then arranged them in symetrical, non-linear quattrains of five groups of six. That’s when I discovered something astonishing, a message that read “Be sure to drink your Margarita!” (Jean Shepherd stole that line from me. That’s right he stole it from me and then used it in his story about Christmas).

THE BAIT

Then another blogger (who shall remain anonymous because she obviously wants it that way) at fromlifeidletolifefantastic nominated me for four awards all of which I’ve never heard.  A definite clue that blogging is a cult.  Non-existant awards from a complete stranger who also happens to be a “blogger.”  How clever.  Yep I’m on to the ole’ government!  They are good.  They’ve got all the resources . . .  money . . .  ex-presidents, organizations with lots of capital letters, loose canons, lobbyists . . . everything one would need to conscript brilliant, unsuspecting citizens into their web of mind control!

Okay, so I’ll play their little game.  I’ll go along with them, then I’ll blow their cover wide open and then I’ll be in control!  Yeah, that’s the ticket, I’ll be in control and then I can go out and recruit my own little mindless minions, then I’ll be King of the World!

SETTING THE HOOK

Ummmmm, where was I?  Oh, yes, nominated for awards for blogging.  Must get serious.  To start with, I must answer ten questions about me (the first clue to a conspiracy . . . as if the gov doesn’t know enough about me already.) to satisfy the requierments of winning the Mrs. Sparkly’s Ten Commandments Award.  Here they are:

Mrs. Sparkly's Ten Commandments Award

THE QUESTIONS (Am I really supposed to give “real” answers????)

1.  DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN SEVEN WORDS:  Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient (I couldn’t, in good conscious leave that one in there), Cheerful, (Is that seven? 1.2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7., yes).  Thank you Boy Scouts of America.

2.  WHAT KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT: Barking dogs, my bladder and the men in black watching my house.

3.  WHOM WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE:  Steve Martin, he’s one wild and crazy guy!

4.  WHAT ARE YOU WEARING NOW?: This is a loaded question, right?????

5.  WHAT SCARES YOU?:  Barking dogs, my bladder and the other men in black lurking in my closets and under my bed.

6.  WHAT ARE THE BEST THINGS AND WORST THINGS ABOUT BLOGGING?: The Best thing – The opportunity to be myself and remain anonymous.  That way if you see me in the supermarket or on the street, you can’t tell me how much you hate my blog.  The Worst thing – There’s no money to be made . . . like Naming a Star for someone and charging them for it.  (Yes folks, there are morons out there willing to pay to have a star named for someone.)

7.  WHAT WAS THE LAST WEBSITE YOU LOOKED AT?:  www.conspiracies_real_or_imagined.con

8.  IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT    BE?:  Can I get back to you on that one?

9.  SLANKETS, YES OR NO?:  No thank you, I’m trying to quit.  Besides, I’m an inny.

10.  TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO NOMINATED YOU:  She must be a nice person. She read and liked my blog once, then came back for more (a glutton for punishment, I guess).  Then she nominated my blog which definitely goes to prove that she’s nice!  Thank you nice anonymous lady.

Please visit Aslankshaw to find out more about this award.

I’M BEING REELED INTO THE BOAT

TEN BLOGS I’D LIKE TO NOMINATE (Again, Mrs. Sparkly’s expectation of recipients):

unabashedlypoetic

shoreacres

thelaughinghousewife

nosugarjustspice

insideliamsbrain

sportsattidudes

hobbling

aslongasimsinging

kitchenbelleicious

savoringeverybite

THE SUNSHINE AWARD

THE SUNSHINE AWARD

THE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

J.  “Wow this is amazing! Whew, let me catch my breath.”

(J. looks out over crowd)

J.  “Is my better half out there?”

(a shout from the audience) “She’s in the ladies room!”

J.  It figures.  Well, we’re DVRing this ceremony”

(a shout from the audience)  “It’s not on TV!”

J.  “Oh.  Well, this won’t take long.  Thank you to fromlifeidletolifefantastic’s creator for taking the time to nominate me for this honor.  It wouldn’t have happened without her support.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope that I will continue to amuse and delight present and future readers.  Thank you all!”

Please visit Workthedream to find out about this award.

THE CANDLE LIGHTER AWARD

THE CANDLE LIGHTER AWARD

Accepting the award for J. is  . . .  well J.   “Please visit Believeanyway for more information about this award.  Thank you again nice anonymous lady.”

THE LIEBSTER AWARD

THE LIEBSTER AWARD

Please visit Peachypains  to find out about this award.  Thank you again lifeidle . . . . . .

You must know that once you are nominated, you’ve won the award.

CLOSING REMARKS

Well, I think that I have fulfilled all of the requirements of all of the awards.  This has been a lot of work as well as a lot of fun.  I want to thank all of my readers (both of you) and I want to congratulate all of the recipients, you are all winners in your own unique way.

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LEGAL STUFF: All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE.

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Well, I don’t know to whom I should give the credit for the award graphics, but let’s just say that it’s probably one of the gov’s cult members buried deep in the bowels of some non-descript building located somewhere in the capitol!  Thank you anyway “government minion!”

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20 thoughts on “CONSPIRACIES – REAL OR IMAGINED? (and Men in Black)

  1. Oh my goodness! That was awesome! Yes, I do enjoy some anonymity with the whole blogging experience. I am pretty new to blogging since I had no idea what it was until about 3 weeks ago when my writer friend encouraged me to join this site and start blogging. I wish I was a government employee, they get really cool perks like health insurance and better paychecks than this single mom receives. Unfortunately, I have zero ties with the government other than being a normal working citizen. You definitely deserved any and all awards you receive. I think your blog is well written and just plain funny. I enjoy reading 🙂

  2. I knew there was something fishy going on…when I received the Glitter E Yaynus award I wondered who would ever think of asking people what objects they would shove up their…you know what. Now it all makes sense. The government is constantly trying to put things where the sun doesn’t shine. To save you the horror of receiving this from someone else, I am awarding you with this award; http://wp.me/p1Cvgh-Dp and also with the award I created, the Best Liar award (http://wp.me/p1Cvgh-CN)…may God have mercy on your soul.

  3. wow… 4 awards!! You go J!! Congrats! Thanks for nominating me! These are a bit different than I’ve seen before. I will gladly accept and post soon….once I get all my answers together!

  4. Sweet deal! Thanks for the nomination J…er, rather, the Men in Black! I’ll be sure to get right on my post about them as to not raise any more red flags with the government. 😉

  5. What a fun post. I especially liked the Ovaltine reference. That movie is my personal Rocky Horror Show. I watch it on a loop every Christmas season, and can provide most of the dialogue from memory, even if the tv’s turned down so someone can talk on the phone.

    I do appreciate the awards – it’s part of the fun of blogging.

    There’s just one thing. I wasn’t going to mention this, but… those black steers up there in your header… is that one in the back a guy in a raincoat?

    🙂

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