Several years ago Mel Gibson starred in a movie called Conspiracy Theory about a New York cabbie who, well, thought the governement was after him. Ever since I saw that movie I’ve come to realize that I’m not crazy like I thought I was, but that the government really is after me. Well, at least the IRS, the SSA, the CPSC, the RNC and the Mississippi Institute of the Nonexistant Demented (or MIND for short). Now, I’ve come to find out from my anonymous sources that blogging is nothing more than a government conspiracy to get me to join a “Cult”! That’s right mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be bloggers!
How do I know, you ask? Well just start a blog and spend your time with other bloggers and read their posts. You’ll see. It’s not the posts so much that other bloggers (who are part of the conspiracy) create as it is the subliminal messages hidden in between the lines of their posts. Oh, I know what you are saying. “J., you’re paranoid!”
J. “Not I’m not.”
VOICE IN HIS HEAD. “Yes you are.”
J. “Am not!”
VIHH. “Are too!”
Can you folks give us a minute here? Thank you.
J. “Mumble. mumble.”
VIHH. “Psssst, hrmph”
J. “Biffledagle, shssh!”
VIHH. “Mumblish, shicklefirstish.”
Okay, we’re back . . . I mean, I’m back. Let’s say for instance you access a blog maybe called Monkey Fetish and find it’s not really about Monkeys. It’s about the blogger’s life, or their dating disasters, or maybe recipes. Then you hang around long enough and you begin to see patterns, recurring words, thought trains and pictures.
DON’T BE FOOLED BY INNOCENT LOOKS
Take for instance the blog I went to recently touting exotic mixed drinks. I started noticing that the words Tequila, Rum, Garnish, Club Soda and Mix were used consistently, not in random patterns mind you, but in distinct consecutive, repetitive, thoughts. I picked out a recipe for a drink called the Singapore Single. I studied the lines of the recipe carefully and picked out the key words, then the letters, then arranged them in symetrical, non-linear quattrains of five groups of six. That’s when I discovered something astonishing, a message that read “Be sure to drink your Margarita!” (Jean Shepherd stole that line from me. That’s right he stole it from me and then used it in his story about Christmas).
Then another blogger (who shall remain anonymous because she obviously wants it that way) at fromlifeidletolifefantastic nominated me for four awards all of which I’ve never heard. A definite clue that blogging is a cult. Non-existant awards from a complete stranger who also happens to be a “blogger.” How clever. Yep I’m on to the ole’ government! They are good. They’ve got all the resources . . . money . . . ex-presidents, organizations with lots of capital letters, loose canons, lobbyists . . . everything one would need to conscript brilliant, unsuspecting citizens into their web of mind control!
Okay, so I’ll play their little game. I’ll go along with them, then I’ll blow their cover wide open and then I’ll be in control! Yeah, that’s the ticket, I’ll be in control and then I can go out and recruit my own little mindless minions, then I’ll be King of the World!
SETTING THE HOOK
Ummmmm, where was I? Oh, yes, nominated for awards for blogging. Must get serious. To start with, I must answer ten questions about me (the first clue to a conspiracy . . . as if the gov doesn’t know enough about me already.) to satisfy the requierments of winning the Mrs. Sparkly’s Ten Commandments Award. Here they are:
THE QUESTIONS (Am I really supposed to give “real” answers????)
1. DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN SEVEN WORDS: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind,
Obedient (I couldn’t, in good conscious leave that one in there), Cheerful, (Is that seven? 1.2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7., yes). Thank you Boy Scouts of America.
2. WHAT KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT: Barking dogs, my bladder and the men in black watching my house.
3. WHOM WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE: Steve Martin, he’s one wild and crazy guy!
4. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING NOW?: This is a loaded question, right?????
5. WHAT SCARES YOU?: Barking dogs, my bladder and the other men in black lurking in my closets and under my bed.
6. WHAT ARE THE BEST THINGS AND WORST THINGS ABOUT BLOGGING?: The Best thing – The opportunity to be myself and remain anonymous. That way if you see me in the supermarket or on the street, you can’t tell me how much you hate my blog. The Worst thing – There’s no money to be made . . . like Naming a Star for someone and charging them for it. (Yes folks, there are morons out there willing to pay to have a star named for someone.)
7. WHAT WAS THE LAST WEBSITE YOU LOOKED AT?: www.conspiracies_real_or_imagined.con
8. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: Can I get back to you on that one?
9. SLANKETS, YES OR NO?: No thank you, I’m trying to quit. Besides, I’m an inny.
10. TELL US SOMETHING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO NOMINATED YOU: She must be a nice person. She read and liked my blog once, then came back for more (a glutton for punishment, I guess). Then she nominated my blog which definitely goes to prove that she’s nice! Thank you nice anonymous lady.
Please visit Aslankshaw to find out more about this award.
I’M BEING REELED INTO THE BOAT
TEN BLOGS I’D LIKE TO NOMINATE (Again, Mrs. Sparkly’s expectation of recipients):
THE SUNSHINE AWARD
THE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
J. “Wow this is amazing! Whew, let me catch my breath.”
(J. looks out over crowd)
J. “Is my better half out there?”
(a shout from the audience) “She’s in the ladies room!”
J. It figures. Well, we’re DVRing this ceremony”
(a shout from the audience) “It’s not on TV!”
J. “Oh. Well, this won’t take long. Thank you to fromlifeidletolifefantastic’s creator for taking the time to nominate me for this honor. It wouldn’t have happened without her support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope that I will continue to amuse and delight present and future readers. Thank you all!”
Please visit Workthedream to find out about this award.
THE CANDLE LIGHTER AWARD
Accepting the award for J. is . . . well J. “Please visit Believeanyway for more information about this award. Thank you again nice anonymous lady.”
THE LIEBSTER AWARD
Please visit Peachypains to find out about this award. Thank you again lifeidle . . . . . .
You must know that once you are nominated, you’ve won the award.
Well, I think that I have fulfilled all of the requirements of all of the awards. This has been a lot of work as well as a lot of fun. I want to thank all of my readers (both of you) and I want to congratulate all of the recipients, you are all winners in your own unique way.
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Well, I don’t know to whom I should give the credit for the award graphics, but let’s just say that it’s probably one of the gov’s cult members buried deep in the bowels of some non-descript building located somewhere in the capitol! Thank you anyway “government minion!”