Did you ever have a time in your life when it all just seemed so unecessary? Well, just read below and I think that you will be convinced! Because trust me, none of what follows is necessary! Or as I like to say, “This is a gag blog, and if this blog doesn’t make you gag, nothing will”.
TIMING IS EVERYTHING
This is a short trivia quiz because I had nothing better to do one day and I thought that it would be kind of fun. The answers appear at the end of it. If you are under 50 don’t bother with this one, but then again, go ahead punk, make my month! (No fair using the internet until after you’ve at least tried to answer the questions one time!)
1. What is a “gig line”?
a. The white line down the side of the highway
b. A fishing line tied to the stern of a dingy
c. The straight line delivered to a fall guy in a comedy duo
d. The line formed by one’s uniform shirt opening, belt buckle and fly
2. What is the correct answer to the question –“Are you a turtle”?
a. Only if you are a hare
b. You bet your sweet Ass I am
d. The eagle flies at noonday
3. Who was Saffire?
a. The spy in the movie “Better Dead than Red”
b. The maid on the radio program “My name is Jeep”
c. The boat in the movie “The African Queen”
d. George ‘Kingfish’ Stevens’ wife
4. Haagen Dazs means:
a. No one knows its meaning
b. Ice Cream in Scandinavian
c. It is the product founder’s middle name
d. Fat Mule
5. The TV character Mister Ed was actually a:
b. American Saddlebred
d. Albino Quarter Horse
6. You can use the following to clean corroded battery terminals:
c. Salt, sugar and white pepper combined
d. Coca Cola
e. Sand and vinegar combined
7. The first Pez dispenser, made in 1948, resembled a:
a. Cigarette lighter
c. M-1 rifle
d. Religious statue
8. In the 1950’s the word Payola was used to describe a:
a. Money eating used car
b. New dance craze
c. Italian Sandwich
d. Pay for Play racketeering scheme in radio stations
e. Writing instrument
9. The 1958 Ford Edsel was best known for its:
a. Economical four cylinder engine
b. Affordable price
c. Horse Collar grill
d. None of the above
10. The event that had most impact on the world in the 1960’s was:
a. I don’t remember, man
b. Go ask Alice, I think she’ll know
c. The 19 whaties?
d. This is a trick question, right?
1. d, 2. b, 3. d, 4. a, 5. c, 6. d, 7. a, 8. d, 9. c, 10. Hey man, this is good stuff, man
Just so you’ll know, I pronounce the word Mom-ism, and it has nothing to do with Mitt Romney’s religious leanings. Everybody’s mom has, or had, those pearls of wisdom that we, with our “not-yet-so-worldly-minds”, couldn’t even begin to argue with. Take for instance, “If all the kids in the neighborhood drink poison, would you drink it too?” Go ahead, let me see you get out of that one!
Maybe you’ve wondered what moms around the world tell there kids (and maybe you don’t give a rat’s patout). If you’ve never given any thought to the subject, well don’t sweat it. I have and I did some research and came up with some interesting results. If you’re a mom, feel free to use these when the opportunity to do so arises.
Things that Moms worldwide tell their children:
American Moms: Bobby, be careful with that BB gun. You’ll put somebody’s eye out!
Terrorist Moms: Bashi, put that AK-47 down. You’ll wipe out the whole village!
American Moms: Susie be careful on your date tonight. Remember your manners and don’t go parking out at the lake.
French Moms: Suzette, just be quiet when you bring Henri in tonight. And make sure he’s gone before your father wakes up!
American Moms: Make sure that you have clean underwear on in case you get in an accident.
Italian Moms: Make sure you have underwear on!
American Moms: Wipe up that white powder off of the table.
Columbian Moms: Let me get a straw and we’ll get it up together!
American Moms: If Billy jumps off of the roof, are you going to do it too?
Sicilian Moms: After you push Giovanni off of the roof; you come straight home, Capiche?
American Moms: Close that door! You think that we’re air conditioning the whole neighborhood?
Eskimo Moms: Close the refrigerator door. You’ll melt everything in the igloo!
American Moms: Drive on the right side of the road dear.
English Moms: Where yah bloomin’ think yah drivin’? America?
American Moms: Play with fire and you’ll get burned.
Terrorist Moms: Hassan, I told you one hundred times, don’t play with your father’s plastic explosives!
American Moms: Don’t gulp your soda Tommy.
Irish Moms: No Danny, yah let the whiskey roll around in yer mouth fer awhile, savor it, then yah swallow it.
American Moms: Don’t play with your food.
Oriental Moms: Quit playing with that dog and bring it in kitchen now!
American Moms: Why these ears are so dirty, you could grow potatoes in them.
Redneck Moms: Damn boy, you got another tater growin’ in that year?!
American Moms: Make an ugly face like that and one day a north wind is going to come and freeze it that way.
Siberian Moms: Ivan, what happened to baby’s face? Did winter come early this year?
American Moms: Don’t pick your nose in public.
Oriental Moms: That not what chopsticks used for!
American Moms: The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
Aggie Moms: Green side up!
You are welcome!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST (OR THANK HEAVENS, HE’S FINISHED)
TOP TEN REASONS WHY KIDS SHOULDN’T SPIT INTO THE WIND:
lO:YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT WIND HAS BEEN.
9 :YOU MIGHT NEED IT FOR A SPITBALL IN MRS. NELSON’S 4TH PERIOD READING CLASS.
8 : NICE KIDS DON’T SPIT, THEY EXPECTORATE.
7: THERE ARE CHILDREN IN AFGHANISTAN WHO DON’T HAVE A POT TO SPIT IN OR A WINDOW TO THROW IT OUT OF!
6: TOBACCO STAINS ARE A DEAD GIVE AWAY THAT YOU LIED TO GRANDMA ABOUT THAT EMPTY CAN OF SKOAL SHE FOUND IN YOUR JACKET POCKET.
5: IF YOU HAVE TO, DUCK REAL QUICK!
4: FLICKING BOOGERS GROSSES OUT THE GIRLS MORE.
3: IT MIGHT BE A FREEZING NORTH WIND AND YOU’LL PUT YOUR EYE OUT (SEE MOMISMS ABOVE).
2: UNLESS OF COURSE THERE IS MONEY RIDING ON IT.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON KIDS SHOULDN’T SPIT IN THE WIND:
1: IT GOES A LOT FURTHER IF YOU TURN AROUND THE OTHER WAY.
I GOT A MILLION OF ‘EM FOLKS! I”M HERE EVERY THURSDAY THRU SUNDAY NIGHT 9 til’ 1! GOOD NIGHT AND DON’T FORGET TO TIP YOU WAITERS!!!!!!!!!!
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