Periodically my alter ego manifests itself in the form of a fictitious, wannabe, radio/television commentator named Randy Looney. The transformation in itself is not horrendous, but the final outcome is not a pretty sight. What follows is an example. I apologize in advance.
You want to know what galls my soul? People who wear their baseball caps on backwards. What’s with these people? Do they think that they are baseball catchers or something? Don’t they know that the visor is used to shield their eyes and face from the sun? What do they think, it’s there to shade their necks?
I mean let’s put this whole thing into perspective. Baseball catchers have to wear their caps on backwards. They wear catchers’ masks. When was the last time that you were walking down the street and you ran across someone wearing a catcher’s mask? – I didn’t think so.
What do these people think that the visor is for? It’s hard; it juts out in front of their face. Doesn’t that tell them something? Some folks like to decorate them with fish hooks, or golf balls on tees. I’ve even seen some with simulated seagull droppings on them. What would happen if one of these people went to the beach one day and a real seagull did a number “two” overhead? If that person would have been wearing the cap correctly, the visor would have done its job. But if that person would have been wearing it incorrectly… well, I think that you get the picture.
If they don’t like the visor, why don’t they just cut it off and wear the rest of the hat like a yarmulke? Maybe they’re afraid that some terrorist might mistake them for a Jew and throw a bomb at them or something.
PANTS ON THE GROUND?
And while I’m on the subject of improper attire, what about these kids who wear jeans with the crotch down to their knees? You know the ones with the legs that are twelve inches in diameter and oversized pockets that extend halfway down those legs. Then to add injury to insult, they let the tops of their boxer shorts show right above the belt loops. You would never have caught me dead in something looking so ridiculous when I was younger!
ONE MARTINI, THREE MARTINI
And haircuts! You’ve seen them. Shaved on one side and long on the other. Looks like they fell asleep in the barber chair while the barber was on the fourth martini of a three martini lunch.
You might say “Randy who died and left you chief of the ‘Fashion Police’”? Good point, but it doesn’t take a Picasso or a Rembrandt to know what looks good and what doesn’t look good. And while some folks might say that these young people are just expressing themselves, I say why don’t they express themselves in poetry or literature. Nobody laughed at Robert Frost, but then again he didn’t wear baggy pants with his underwear showing either.
NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT!
I guess what I am saying is that things have changed since the days when I could walk around my front yard in walking shorts, a white tank top, wearing black shoes and black socks! Now that was fashion!
RANDY LOONEY IS A FREE LANCE JOURNALIST ON LOAN FROM THE SECOND HAND STORE LOADING DOCK IN SOUTH TEANECK, NEW JERSEY AND SUPPLIES HIS OWN GRAPHICS ( CAN YOU TELL?)
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