SEVERAL YEARS AGO, BEFORE BLOGS, I PUBLISHED A PERSONAL WEBSITE WHERE I DID MUCH THE SAME THING THAT I DO IN “cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS”. AS A PART OF THE SITE I DID A PARODY COLUMN ON ANDY ROONEY. IT’S NOT LIKE THAT IS HARD TO DO, BUT I JUST COULDN’T RESIST THE TEMPTATION.
What follows is one of my creations which I attributed to the ficticious columnist Randy Looney. Love him or hate him, agree or disagree with him, you couldn’t help but watch him at the end of CBS’ news magazine “60 Minutes” to see what he was going to comment on or protest against each week. I now consider this parody a tribute to a legend. Thank you Mr. Rooney for being you.
You know what bugs me. Paper clips. That’s what bugs me. I don’t know who invented the paper clip, but if he (Or she. [It was probably a woman, because no man in his right mind would invent something this stupid. But that is a topic for another day] ) is still alive, they need to be shot, hanged or made to watch the real Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes non stop for 72 hours!
I’ll tell you why I hate them. They get tangled in everything that you paper clip together. The other day I was sitting at my desk trying to get some work done and everything that I had paper clipped together got paper clipped to the stack of paper that was underneath it. How’s that for inefficiency! Now this probably doesn’t seem like something to get all riled up about, but when you process as much paper work as I do, it is a monumental task.
I had to then stop what I was doing and go back and unclip everything that was clipped together to everything that was underneath it. Then I had to make sure that nothing that was supposed to be paper clipped to one stack was inadvertently paper clipped to a stack that it was not supposed to be paper clipped to. Time consuming and wasteful! That’s what it was.
I think that the only things paper clips are really good for are things that they were never intended to be used for. Things like “paper clip necklaces”. Now there’s a real innovation! But then who would really want to go around wearing a necklace made of paper clips? Maybe Wally from the comic strip Dilbert. Or maybe if you unfold one, it could be used to unlock a locked desk drawer. They do it all the time in the movies. I tried that, but it didn’t work. So much for believing what you see in the movies.
If you unfold one all the way it and slightly bend one end, you can use it as a tooth pick. Don’t let your dentist know that you are doing this, however. He’ll notice right off that you’ve used one and probably give you a bad report on your next check up. It’s better to go to the drugstore and buy one of those “dentist” type picking things that they use to clean your teeth. That way if he says something, you can just tell him that he was the last one to touch your teeth. Maybe he’ll feel guilty and knock something off of your bill.
I think that you get the picture. Not only do I think that paper clips are useless to a degree, but sometimes I think television commentators are useless,. . . to a degree. Sometimes they do have something worthwhile to say, but not too often. But that’s my opinion. Unfortunately I don’t work for a big network like CBS, so I don’t get paid the big bucks to whine and complain about useless stuff like they do! I’ll just have to be content with taking out all my frustrations on good people like you, for nothing. Have a nice day!
DISCLAIMER: The above was a spoof
on television commentators in general and should not be construed as a personal
attack on any one individual. Having been a television personality of sorts
myself at one time, I know the glass houses that they live in. So please know
that the stones that I threw in the above were simulated stones made of
Styrofoam and painted to look like stones. You know like the ones they use in the movies!
NOTE: All original written material or original graphics are property of the originator and author of this blog (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted.