MORE GREAT WANNABES?

MORE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL WANNABES

 

THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL???

Once again I feel it is time to don my professorial attire to further my pursuit of my unselfish and noble quest to further the betterment of mankind in the world of literary endeavors in a manner which only I am capable of accomplishing, being inspired by the notable English Victorian novelist Sir Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton who is responsible for that memorable opening line, so famously penned by that immortal word smithing comic strip beagle Snoopy, “It was a dark and stormy night …” WOW! That was a mouthful if I ever had one.

Several years ago in cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS I posted The Not-So-Great American Novels highlighting the history of the English Department of San José State University, California’s annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. In that posting, I offered my one sentence opening lines to bad novels. So, since I am always looking for something to fill space, I decided it was a good time to write the sequel. And so without further adieu … or is it ado? … surely not doo doo, I offer MORE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL WANNABES or as it will be called when the movie version comes out, Son of Not-So-Great American Novels.

As always, enjoy.

A HOUSE FULL OF ANIMALS

It was the mid-point of September in that year when American film directors skip bail and flee to France with thirteen year old girls, China lifts bans on works by Aristotle, serial killers are captured in Florida, western American states slash property taxes by sixty percent and comic strips about Lasagna eating cats debut, that young Kent Dorfman slipped from the dark interior of the lushly appointed limousine and embarked on an academic journey that would startlingly change his young life and he would learn beyond the shadow of a doubt that Knowledge is Good!

ROAD WEARY LONGINGS   GREAT AM NOVEL

The glaring solar disc ever so gingerly cowered below the boundary of the azure maritime expanse set before this road weary pilgrim on this the last of the incandescent days of canine dominance causing considerable self interrogation as to why the torrid calitidy of the fiery mass did not induce a massive eruption of the hydrogen and oxygen which constitute this gleaming liquid thereby causing massive steam clouds and a raising of the matter’s temperature enabling one to experience California’s greatest friggin’ hot tub ever!

 

MEVCZENKAMORNING FOR MEVCZENKA

Morning came early for Mevczenka on her first day at the cannery looming high above on the gently rolling bluff overlooking the sleepy, quickly thrown together village which she and 73 other haggard refugees from the endless conflicts in the motherland and other neighboring countries called home since their desperate search for sanctuary terminated months ago when a chance meeting with the unassuming occupant of a sparkling black stretch limo offered them great job opportunities in his cat food canning company.

 

A STORM IN THE NIGHT

The darkness cast a dreary, dull, peculiar, peaceful pall across the calm city lighted only by the occasional luminous lunar rays stealthily, silently peering through the densely distributed clustered clouds hovering high above the massive metropolis she so dearly loved, the only home she had ever known as water lapped lightly against aging aluminum eaves and occasional muffled, muted screams for help could be heard in the dark distance when she saw three men gliding, purposely paddling a punt just yards away singing “Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub!

THE CORNER OF LIGHTED MEMORIES

Forty some odd years had elapsed since the four siblings had gathered anywhere near the old place to recall any of their shattered childhood experiences or to recall anything of value for that matter for

LIGHTED CORNER
LIGHTED CORNER

their lives had taken very different and distinct routes out of this modern-day Gehenna for reasons known only to them, whether it was Bobby’s ill-conceived long-standing pairing with Janis, Carole’s failure to finish her post inquisition tapestry restoration, Theodore’s wild spirit, or Alice’s misdirected attention to her job at her ramshackle restaurant, the music had long faded like a Bohemian Rhapsody being catapulted to the far reaches of Mercury.

EPITAPH

Well, there you have it. Once again I feel have contributed to the betterment of all mankind. It’s a tough job, but, as they say, somebody’s gotta do it!

Jay

NOTE: NO REAL AUTHORS, DEAD OR ALIVE, WERE HURT IN THE WRITING OF THIS BLOG.

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LEGAL STUFF: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL! All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE FOR INCLUDING THEM IN ANY POST. SOME ADS APPEAR AS A CONDITION OF USE OF WORDPRESS.COM’S SOFTWARE AND SERVER SPACE AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR APPEARANCE AND HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER THEIR APPEARANCE IN contemporarymusings.

SEPTEMBER AND TWO OUT OF THE BIG THREE

TWO OUT OF THE BIG THREE

BTS 1950'S
BTS 1950’S

Well folks, it’s that time of year again. The time that moms and dads look forward to beginning the end of June. Yes! It’s “let the teachers have to deal with the little angels for the next nine months!” time again. It’s BACK-TO-SCHOOL!

I remember when I was a kid September was a “two out of three aint bad time” of the year. You see when the last burger was downed at the annual company Labor Day picnic and the last three legged race completed, it was time for new cars, new TV episodes and Back to School. Hence, two out of three.

THE BIG THREE FROM DETROIT

It was in September that the “big three” auto makers introduced the new models to the public. That’s when cars were cars. Fins, two door hard tops, convertibles, chrome and gas guzzling V8’s were all the rage.

It was a time when new models like the Ford Falcon and the Chevy Nova and, let’s not forget the Plymouth Valiant, were introduced. And in the world of “sport utility vehicles”, Ford marketed the first dual purpose vehicle the Ranchero. Much like our crossovers of today, the Ranchero was a suburban pick-up truck. However, it was a modified two-door station wagon with automatic transmission. Heretofore, anything in the line of a pick-up truck would have had only standard transmission, or as we knew it, “stick shift.” General Motors, not to be undone, introduced the Chevy El Camino in 1959 which was basically the same type of vehicle.

One nice thing about cars back in the ’50s and 60’s was the fact that body styles changed every two or three years and you could tell just by looking at a car what year it was. The folks in Cuba still drive primarily American made vehicles from the era.

THE 1955 CHROMOBILE
THE 1955 CHROMOBILE

THE BIG THREE TV NETWORKS

Just like Detroit, broadcasters had their big three also. Four if you counted the fledgling PBS network. September was the time of year when the new TV season started. And none of this 13 shows and the season was over hogwash. No siree bob! Twenty-six episodes was the standard viewing fare for ABC, CBS and NBC. And it was TV the whole family could watch together. No social commentary, no racy bedroom scenes, no potty mouth cops. Just good old comedy for the sake of comedy, stirring drama and lots of variety shows. Watching these shows today on Nick at Night and TV Land I even wonder, We were entertained by this crap?

BACK TO SCHOOL

Unlike today, when time came for BTS, mom took us shopping for two pairs of new Blue Jeans, four new dress shirts and the latest themed metal lunch box complete with thermos bottle. The clothes were always two sizes too big because in mom’s words “You’ll grow into them.”

If you were lucky you got a new pencil case and a ruler. No new Jansport backpacks for us! Hey, if your old schoolbag from last year survived, it was good for another year. We were told to just get on the bus and quit your whining!  Total cost for it all per kid, $13.64.

FASHIONISTAS MY BUTT

Nowadays, kids get to go to the “Mall” (in my day mall was half of a cigarette…go ask grandpa, he’ll explain it to you) and spend two days looking at the latest “designer fashions.” Fashion??? We didn’t dare use that word in BTS shopping or we would have had our mouths washed out with soap for using racy language. And, today kids have to have a small airline approved-overhead-bin-suitable-case on rollers…every year! Total cost per kid today is equivalent to the cost of a new 1959 Ford Ranchero!

 TEXTING WHILE WAITING FOR HER BOYFRIEND

TEXTING WHILE WAITING FOR HER BOYFRIEND

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR WALLET?

Never once did mom ever ask me if “I had my debit card?” before I left the house. Debit card? What the heck was that? We weren’t allowed to have playing cards in school. If I needed money to pay off Scut Farkas’ extortionist offspring, I used real cash! That’s because every day I had $0.27 to pay for: 1.) A Nehi [.05cents], 2.) a bag of popcorn [.05 cents] and 3.) bus fare [.17 cents]. Debit cards didn’t come out until years later when the Wells Bank of America figured out a way to get rich off of checking account overdrafts.

SMILE FOR THE CAMERA

First day pictures of us all dressed up to meet our new teacher Miss Selle Blockwarden? Ha! We were lucky we got a full breakfast. Only the rich kids parents had a Polaroid Land camera and they were very seldom used for first day pictures. Besides, dad used up all the film at the Labor Day picnic taking pictures around the pool or the beach… if… you catch my drift.

2015

Today the new cars still start coming out about the end of August or beginning of September. TV shows are 10 -13 episodes long and school starts in mid August. Two weeks later, you get a three day holiday for Labor Day. Doesn’t make much sense to me, but then we never had a week long Spring Break either. We had Easter Monday to get over too much candy from the day before.

Well there you have it boys and girls. A Mini Cooper look at life in the Good Ol’ U.S. of A at a time before the interweb, microwave ovens, cell phones and Hotpockets.

I guess I shouldn’t speak in such a cavalier manner about the interweb. After all, if it wasn’t for Al Gore and his genius, we wouldn’t have blogs would we?

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LEGAL STUFF: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL! All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE FOR INCLUDING THEM IN ANY POST. SOME ADS APPEAR AS A CONDITION OF USE OF WORDPRESS.COM’S SOFTWARE AND SERVER SPACE AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR APPEARANCE AND HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER THEIR APPEARANCE IN contemporarymusings.

RANDY LOONEY ON BEING AN “OWG”

ARE YOU AN OWG?

(Randy Looney on being an OWG)

A Typical OWG circa 2014
A SELFIE PORTRAIT

For those of you who don’t know it (but if you are one, I assume that you do know it), OWG stands for Old White Guy. I can say that because I happen to be one and have been one for several years now. I don’t think that it is a derogatory term. I do think it is a fact. And if something is a fact, it is what it is!

So if you happen to see me walking down the street and say “Hey, that’s the OWG from the blog my grandfather follows.”, I’ll wave back and compliment your granddad.

We OWGs aren’t a bad lot. We’re a pretty nice bunch. I mean except when you cut us of in traffic and we salute you with our middle finger. Or maybe we only drive 75 mph in the left hand lane of a 60 mph highway and you drive right behind us as if you want to engage in some sort of aberrant sexual act. That one I never have been able to figure out.

Many of us babysit your rug rats and buy them stuff you and your wife wish we hadn’t. Hey, it comes with the territory; we get to treat them like you would have wanted to be treated. Besides, we’re trying to do stuff that will get us a good place in heaven.

But enough of that folderol. I have been thinking lately, what qualifies someone as on OWG? Since I am semi-retired, I have a lot of time to contemplate serious subjects such as this. Probably more time than I need. But considering I could go any day now, I would rather waste my time in contemplation than playing golf or tennis. To be honest, I couldn’t drive a golf ball if it had a steering wheel on it. And tennis, I’ve got tennis elbow, tennis knee, tennis bladder, tennis bracelets…no wait a minute my wife has the tennis bracelets. You get the picture. So as I’ve been wont to do of late, I’ve come up with a few ways you can recognize if, indeed, you are an OWG. Enjoy.

OLD WHITE GUYNESS AND BROCCOLI

Mid Night Anxiety. If you are an OWG, you without a doubt have to get up two, maybe three times a night to pee. You might return to bed and start worrying about the time in grammar school you beat up Sheldon Zelinski because you could. You then immediately start envisioning him today and wonder Is he now CEO of a nationally known security company with contracts for security in war torn Belzaistan? With his ability to track down Bigfoot and other criminals, has he located my house and now has me under 24/7 surveillance just waiting to have some of his goons take retribution? Or some such crap.

Hereafter Syndrome. This is where you walk into a room looking for something and begin to ask yourself, Now what am I here after?

How much did did you pay for that? In your many years of negotiating for new cars, houses, vacation rentals, etc. you are convinced that each and every time you got into the other persons knickers. You stole it from them! You were a master of the deal! So when asked, your son or daughter tells you how much that new car costs. You immediately respond “They saw you coming and stuck it to you!” It doesn’t matter that you weren’t there at the table with them. They should have consulted with you before making any commitment. You know that you raised them better than that!

The Sixties

Hospital Hospitality. You are rolled into the emergency room and everyone there greets you on a first name basis. They know you from last year’s colonoscopy, heart cath and subsequent bypass surgery. Did I leave anything out? Oh yes, prostate radiation treatment.

The ’60’s. Are you talking about the decade with peace and?…er…I forget the other two.

Comedians. You quote Henny Youngman and laugh out loud. Everyone else wonders who the hell is Henny Youngman?

The ’60’s. Did I mention the 60’s?

The Cost of Repairs. You have a heart attack every time you find out that you can’t get a part for your kitchen blender or other appliance or tool. That’s because they discontinued it twenty-five years ago and no longer stock the parts. But, you can run out to the local Wallbanger Mart and pay $75.00 for a new one. When you were a kid, everybody carried replacement parts.

The News. You cringe when you hear that your grandkids are watching the latest popular comedian for their national news updates. BROCCOLI1THEY’RE COMEDIANS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, NOT JOURNALISTS! Where are you when we need you Chet Huntley?

Technology. You refuse to sign up for facebook, twitter or any other foolishness on the Internet. And that is evidenced by the fact that you still own a flip phone!

Food. You get a kick out of telling someone “Yeah, well I don’t eat broccoli because I don’t want to eat that crap! Besides, it gives me gas.” Then you chuckle because so does, watermelon, ice cream, water, Key lime pie, biscuits…did I mention water?

Hearing aids. You can turn them off !

‘NUFF SAID

Well, I feel a nap coming on, so I’ll get out of your hair. These are just a few of the ways you can tell if you are one of us. I’m sure that you can come up with a few more of your own. Just remember, if you can identify with least one of the above, you’re an OWG! Welcome to the club and be proud you’ve made it this far.

Randy

BLOGGER’S NOTE: Contrary to popular belief, Randy Looney is not my great uncle. He is a pretty good one, but I wouldn’t classify him as being great.  Jay

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LEGAL STUFF: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL! All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE FOR INCLUDING THEM IN ANY POST. SOME ADS APPEAR AS A CONDITION OF USE OF WORDPRESS.COM’S SOFTWARE AND SERVER SPACE AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR APPEARANCE AND HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER THEIR APPEARANCE IN contemporarymusings.

 

 

POPOURRI

POTPOURRI

 

There was a columnist in our local newspaper when I was a kid that wrote a column by that name. Being a kid, I didn’t know a potpourri from a pot of warm spit. Turns out it is the French word for “miscellaneous collection” among other things. And, BTW, for you folks not familiar with the language of those wonderful people who gave us “french fries” or Catherine Deneuve, it’s pronounced “Po-Poh-Ree”, not Pot-Pour-Ree. Aren’t you glad you stopped by?

Anyways, a few things have popped into my head lately that I thought worthy of mentioning here in “cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS.

 

WORDPRESS POPOURRI1

 

 

ICE CREAM SODAS

Who out there in cyberspace doesn’t love a good soda fountain treat? For those of you young whipper snappers who don’t know what a soda fountain is, I’ll tell you. Back in the dark ages about one hundred years ago, give or take fifty years, when you wanted to “woo” your best gal, you’d take her to the local drugstore (a place that just sold drugs and I mean DRUGS). There they’d more than likely have a counter where the local “soda jerk” would scoop out ice cream, whip up ice cream sundaes or blend a nice soda. The latter was a mixture of carbonated water, flavoring and ice cream. This would be topped off with real honest to goodness whipped cream (none of that fake, imitation, soy-protein-trans fatty-oils gunk), chopped nuts and a cherry. All of this would cost a whole nickel! That’s $6.43 in 2015 money.

Drug stores, the way they are run now, what with everything under the sun except used cars on the floor, there isn’t enough room to have a soda fountain much less drugs. Besides, Robynn Baskets has that market tied up with with their 132 flavors of what passes today for frozen confections called ice cream.

Enough of the history lesson. Today you can go to either the local Robynn Baskets or Super Scoop Drive Inn where some young, pimply faced kid rolls out on skates to deliver your order. The one that you called in to a customer service center located in Rahminda Poo Poo, India.

At Super Scoop you can get any one of thousands of concoctions of flavored “milk shakes.” I love the Banana-Kumquat-Celery-Rutabaga shake with pecan praline ice cream and chopped Hickory nuts. No whipped cream for me. None of that fat ladened crap goes into my veins! But that is not their best flavor. As a matter of fact, it’s kind of hard to pick a “best” flavor because of all the possible combinations. Here are just a few:

LIP SMACKIN’ GOOD STUFF

BUBBA’S ROAD KILL SPECIAL

Fresh Blueberry-Hickory-Barbecued-pulled Possum meat and vanilla ice cream topped with simulated red dirt from Hickry Holler, TN

HAWAIIAN DELIGHT

Fresh Pineapple-Eel-Beluga Roe-Diesel Exhaust flavored whipped cream with chocolate sprinkles and grated coconut with Tutti Fruiti ice cream

ROCKY MOUNTAIN TRAIL

Dried Boysenberries-chopped Calf Fries-Charred Ponderosa Pine, Pine Nuts with Strawberry syrup and Chunky Monkey ice cream

NOR-EASTER SNOW STORM

Orange Sherbet, Ground Maine lobster shell with Coconut/Macadamia nut ice cream, Diesel flavored whipped cream and chopped asphalt chips (From I-95 south of Boston)

MAMA ROSA’S PASTA

Spumoni-Homemade Marinara Flavored Syrup-Chopped Bow Tie Pasta-Chocolate Gelato-Sprinkled with grated, dried Anchovies

Now these are just a few of the items on the menu. Got a mixture you’d like to have? Bring the ingredients and they’ll make it for you!

OFFER NOT AVAILABLE IN RAHMINDA POO POO, INDIA

Oh, and before you leave Super Scoop, grab a bag of the “Double Heart Attack On A Bun” burgers. Why not? You’ve just added ten times your RDA of cholesterol and trans fatty acids with one of the above!

 

THAT'S ONE UGLY CAMEL
THAT’S ONE UGLY CAMEL

BEN FRANKLIN AND BETSY ROSS

To quote a line from Monty Python: AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Periodically I like to explore the English language and some of our commonly used axioms. You know, like, “A stitch in time.” I’ve heard Old Ben Franklin has been credited with that one. But I really think it was Betsy Ross when she was trying to finish sewing the last stripe on “Old Glory” in time for President George Washington to fly over the valley forge for the first annual 4th of July picnic on the Mall in D.C. in ’76. It was better than telling his honor, to “Keep your powered wig on! My Singer sewing machine is in the shop and I’m doing this sucker by hand!”

So I did some research on a couple of phrases that we hear all the time, but for the most part take for granted.

Here’s some examples:

A stitch in time– Well, as usual, I was wrong again. Franklin and Ross had nothing to do with it. It simply means that A timely effort will prevent more work later.

A penny saved– Now here’s where you say, “Aha, that’s Old Ben’s work!” Well, I’m not the only one that’s wrong old numismatic breath! “Seems like the original form of this proverb used ‘got’ or ‘gained’ instead of ‘earned’. That is recorded as early as the 17th century, in George Herbert’s Outlandish Proverbs, circa 1633.” Now who’s laughing last? (Snicker, snicker)

The cat’s pajamas– 1920s Lingo describing someone (something) who is great, incredible or special. Usually indicating stylishness or innovation. Pajamas were a relatively new fashion in the 1920s. The term “cat” was beginning to be used as a term to describe the out going and unconventional jazz-age flappers.

Keep your ear to the ground– There are a few theories as to the origin of this axiom. The most common explanation seems to be from yesteryear when people would put their ear to the ground to listen for the sound of approaching horses. It was an accepted way of early surveillance in the old west until General Custer’s scout, Mose Schmidcarp put his ear to the ground one day and it was bitten off by an irate gopher. As a result, the general was so busy tending to Mose’s ear, he didn’t notice the whole Lakota nation coming down on them like flies on day old road kill.

Don’t let the camel get his nose in the tent– It’s an old Arab proverb about…ah…a camel getting his nose in your tent. The next thing you know, his whole body is in and there’s no room for you. So next time you are out camping, periodically check for wild camels in the area.

Full Fledged- As in “He’s a full fledged idiot!” or full fledged anything else for that matter.  It comes from the term for being fully developed.  Such as the case with a bird.  When it hatches from the egg, it has what appears to be tiny hairs on it body, which in reality are tiny feathers.  When it is fully developed and has adult plumage, it is said to be a “full fledged chicken or eagle.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing- Is meant to serve as  a warning to someone who may be about to enter into some sort of an agreement with a person of questionable character.  It is believed to have been originated by the master fable teller, Aesop.  But there is also a mention of it in the bible, Matthew 7:15.

Well, there you have it. Both an idea for dessert tonight and a lesson to make you look intelligent at your next high school reunion.

Thanks for stopping by and we hope to see you back soon. Oh, and if you don’t mind, next time stop off at a Super Scoop on your way and pick me up a…oh what the heck surprise me!

You might want to check  See YAEVER WONDER??? another one of my posts on the English language.

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CREDITS:

Stitch in time

A penny saved

Cat’s Pajamas

Ear to the ground

Camel’s nose

Fully Fledged

Sheep’s Clothing

LEGAL STUFF: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL! All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE FOR INCLUDING THEM IN ANY POST. SOME ADS APPEAR AS A CONDITION OF USE OF WORDPRESS.COM’S SOFTWARE AND SERVER SPACE AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR APPEARANCE AND HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER THEIR APPEARANCE IN contemporarymusings.

NOT ENOUGH WORDS???

WORDPRESS NOT ENOUGH WORDS

One of the things about being a blogger is that by its very nature, blogging forces you to try to convey your thoughts in as few words as possible. With young people today so occupied with social media, who has time to read some old fool’s ramblings about “stuff?” Yes. I consider myself to be one of the “old” fools. But even an old fool can learn to leave the past behind and, as we used to say back in the stone age (that period before this thing known as the interweb) and get with, as we used to say, “the program.”

Recently the students at a state university added another word to their “bias free language guide” causing the university president to remove the site. Now for those of you who are not getting with the program, the BFLG is, and I took this from a news article1 regarding their website, a “resource…detailing the university’s efforts to create an inclusive, diverse and equitable community…meant to serve as a ‘starting point’ to encourage critical thinking about terms commonly used in conversation and writing.”

Basically it’s the students efforts to say in ten words what could be said in one! Take for instance the term senior citizen. Simple enough to understand that an “individual apparently in an advanced stage in the time line of life’s cycle,” (see I’m getting with the program) is old. Their new phrase; people of advanced age. Or how about American? That’s out also, replaced by U.S. Citizen or Resident of the U.S.2

With this in mind, and not wanting to be accused of “not getting with the program,” cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS has come up with its own list of words that should be altered to meet today’s rigid rules for “talking” and writing. Being an individual apparently in an advanced stage in the time line of life’s cycle, I want to show the world that this “life cycle time line advanced canine creature aint gonna be emotionally content reclining under the front appendage of the wood frame residential structure.”

So, here we go. You don’t have to thank me, I’m always glad to advance the study of the king’s English.

COMMON WORDS WE SHOULD NO LONGER USE AND THEIR NEW DESCRIPTIONS

HOUSE – Structural entity sheltering primarily human beings.

AUTOMOBILE- Self propelled vehicle, guided under the auspices of a totally autonomous creature.

SUPERMARKET- Structure using the exchange of legal tender for articles of necessary physical nourishment for both humans and other creatures.

UNIVERSITY-A community comprised of a myriad of institutions furthering the advancement of human knowledge

POLICEMAN/POLICEWOMAN-An individual selected from available humans in any community to protect said community from evil influences and occurrences which said community members individually are incapable of performing unaided.

JOB-A task or collection of tasks necessary to accomplish a pre-determined goal.

ELECTION-A process conducted at regular intervals to select individuals which will govern a particular political entity.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS- A system in which intelligent individuals stray from rational thought patterns in an attempt to appease certain segments of a diverse political entity governed by other individuals whose cranial appendage is inserted in their lower gastrointestinal cavity.

CHALLENGE

Now as an enlightened reader, I challenge you to put all of the new suggested usages for the corresponding “obsolete” words in a collection of ideas conveying concise meaning (Sentence). I convey my thoughts of good fortune to you in that challenge (Good luck).

I am most gratified to you for detouring from your daily routine to visually scan this blog (Thank you for stopping by).

Jay

BLOGGER’S NOTE: If you’ve gotten this far, you might want to check out a post I made back in December of 2012 titled “Pompousposity and Ostentatiousnous Gone Awry“.  It deals with more of my suggestions for using more words than necessary.

1The Guardian

2VDare

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LEGAL STUFF: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL! All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE FOR INCLUDING THEM IN ANY POST. SOME ADS APPEAR AS A CONDITION OF USE OF WORDPRESS.COM’S SOFTWARE AND SERVER SPACE AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR APPEARANCE AND HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER THEIR APPEARANCE IN contemporarymusings.

A GROVE OF ONE

ONLY GOD CAN MAKE A TREE
ONLY GOD CAN MAKE A TREE

 

No, you’re not misreading the title.

“How can He have a grove of one of anything?” you might ask. And it would be a valid question. Only in this case, if I didn’t title this posting a “Grove of One”, I wouldn’t have any material for a blog posting.

Let me explain. Many moons ago when my wife and I built our first new home there weren’t any trees in the front yard. This in our estimation was a travesty. The house was built in the middle of what was once a cow pasture and it was barren of such adornments. The builder placed one Bradford Pear tree out front, but if you know anything about these trees, they are not shade trees by any means. We were heart sick because we both were used to having mature trees in the front of our homes.

LESSONS HARD LEARNED

One Saturday morning, shortly after we moved in, two men in a pickup truck were driving through our neighborhood loaded down with trees for sale. A God send, we thought. They came to the front door, explained their proposition, we haggled, and shortly thereafter we agreed to buy five oak trees along with their installation and a one year warranty that if they died, they would be replaced free of charge.

They planted all five to our satisfaction, we paid them and they went along their merry way. Unfortunately three of the trees died within a few weeks. Try as we did, we couldn’t get in touch with the sellers to have them replaced. A year later, however, we did finally get in touch with the nephew of one of the men and he agreed to cover his uncle’s promise. So much for buying trees off of the back of a truck. Funny thing is when you do buy something off of the back of a truck and there is a problem with the product, the store probably won’t be there when you need it! Later one of the replacement trees also died. We gave up!

You would have thought that we had learned our lesson with that experience. HA! Would you be wrong! The next tree we bought was from a roadside fruit stand. This time it was a Lime tree. KEY LIME TREEYou see, I have this fantasy about going out in my back yard and harvesting fresh fruit whenever I want. It too died. Again, shortly after this incident, the fruit stand closed up shop and is now a deserted shed.

“Okay, Jay.” You might say, “You learned your lesson after that one, right?” HA! You would be wrong again! And I would say to you, “Stop it now! I hate it when you’re wrong.”

Several years later we were on a road trip to visit family and stopped at a road side fruit stand where a man was selling peaches from, you guessed it, the back of a truck. He sliced off a couple of pieces of peach from his inventory, gave it to us, and they were delicious! “Give us a bag!” we exclaimed. “Gladly, good sir!” he replied. We got in the car and drove away. Several miles down the road we decided to sample our latest purchase from a fine gentleman such as he. Do you remember one of the words of disgust that Charles Schultz’s Charlie Brown used when he was dissatisfied? I think it went something like “GAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!” We we both went “GAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!” They were uber tart, almost inedible. By this time we were too far down the road to turn back to demand a refund of our money. We had been bamboozled by a redneck.

Fortunately I was able to salvage this most unfortunate of procurements. I went to the web, found a peach pie recipe, assembled the ingredients and baked a most delicious confectionery delight. But not without copious amounts of good natured jeering and derision from our son-in-law, who by the way, is an award winning chef and restaurateur!

DON’T YOU JUST LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS?

The story does not end here however. Sometime later, after removing the remnants of the above ill-fated Lime tree, I decided I just had to have another go at being a citrus farmer. You know hope springs eternal and all that sort of rot.

Only difference, this time I did not buy a tree from a man and his truck nor some non existent road side fruit vendor. I bought it at a big box store with a receipt, a one year warranty, a website and an 800 telephone help line! Here’s where the chorus of angels breaks out into “HALLELUJAH.”

I planted the tree per instructions, (yes, I do need and read those stinkin’ instructions). And now every so often I stroll through my Grove of One and survey my Key Lime crop.Immature Key lime

TOO BAD WE GET TOO SMART TOO LATE

SO NOW I NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM THE BACK OF A TRUCK; THE STORE MIGHT NOT BE THERE TOMORROW TO TAKE CARE OF ANY PROBLEMS.

Yes, now I have now learned my lesson! (Once again the chorus of angels once again breaks out into “HALLELUJAH.”)

Jay

PHOTO CREDIT: TREE Lime Trees, J. Boudreaux

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LEGAL STUFF: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL! All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE FOR INCLUDING THEM IN ANY POST. SOME ADS APPEAR AS A CONDITION OF USE OF WORDPRESS.COM’S SOFTWARE AND SERVER SPACE AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR APPEARANCE AND HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER THEIR APPEARANCE IN contemporarymusings.

LOONEY ON TRUMP

RANDY LOONEY "TRUMPS" TRUMP
RANDY LOONEY “TRUMPS” TRUMP

 

Well folks, I have to apologize in advance for this posting. If you are familiar with the history of this blog, I try to give an unbiased look at life in general. Unfortunately sometimes that means that I have to turn the keys to the padded room over to a long time acquaintance who is anything but “unbiased.”

My old pal Randy Looney tracked me down when he saw that I was once again “littering cyberspace” (his words, not mine) with comments on “trivial crap that he wouldn’t waste his time on” (again, his words not mine.)

So, in keeping with cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS liberalative policy, I give the hammer over to Looney so that he can bang the heck out of this piece of iron while it’s hot.

OUCH

Thank you Jay.  Oooops! That smarts! I grabbed the iron and not the hammer. What the heck is that suppose that mean, anyway, SMARTS? There sure isn’t enough of those around these days, that’s for sure! Especially with all of those clowns running for president. You’d think it was free popcorn day at the circus or something with everybody and his brother, or sister as it may be, declaring that they want to turn this country around. None of ’em could turn this thing around even if they had Paul Bunyan sitting on top of Jumbo the elephant, sitting on top of his big blue ox. Besides, we wouldn’t want to rile the folks over at PETA and having them think that old Looney’s promoting cruelty to non-existent animals, now would we.

Take this nut case Donald Trump. I looked up the history of the name Trump and it comes from the Slovanian word for “mouth.” Just think, you put a trump-et to your mouth to “blow hard”, you use your mouth to bring trump-ed up charges against someone in public, and you yell out “Aha! I got your cheatin’ butt! I win this hand.” when you trump your opponent playing Pinochle. I think you catch my drift.

They used to call Ted Turner “the mouth of the south” in his younger America’s Cup days. Today we’d call Trump the mouth of the north, but that wouldn’t rhyme. We’ll have to think of something good that rhymes.

So this got me thinking about the campaign and I couldn’t help but think of Mr. Blow hard himself and what it would be like if he were elected president. But I’m pushing eighty and probably don’t have that long to waste on him. So I thought, since David Letterman retired, who do we have to do a real good “Top Ten List” nowadays? Naturally I thought of myself. I think you’d agree with me on that one.

WITH APOLOGIES TO LETTERMAN

So, here it is:

LOONEY’S TOP TEN REASONS WHY DONALD TRUMP

WOULD NOT MAKE A GOOD PRESIDENT!

10.  WHEN ELECTED, WOULD FEEL COMPELLED TO BUY LAND NORTH OF WASHINGTON D.C. … CANADA

9.    WOULD CHOOSE BILL O’REILLY FOR PRESS SECRETARY.  WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM NAME WOULD OFFICIALLY BE CHANGED TO “THE NO SPIN ZONE”

8.     THE WHITE HOUSE WOULD BE MOVED TO NEW YORK CITY … TRUMP TOWERS

7.     SOCIAL SECURITY WOULD BE PRIVATIZED AND ADMINISTRATION WOULD BE MOVED TO THE TAJ MAHAL CASINO IN ATLANTIC CITY

6.     THE NATIONAL ANTHEM WOULD BE CHANGED TO “WE SHALL OVER COMB”

5.     GERALDO RIVERA WOULD BE NEW SECRETARY OF DEFENCE

4.     HIS FIRST ADDRESS TO A JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS WOULD BEGIN WITH THE WORDS “YOU’RE FIRED!”

3.     HIS ENTIRE TIME IN OFFICE WOULD BE PRODUCED BY MARK BURNETT AND DIRECTED BY STEVEN SPIELBERG

2.     THE OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT WOULD BE CHANGED TO “THE APPRENTICE”

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY DONALD TRUMP WOULD NOT MAKE A GOOD PRESIDENT

1.     NOBODY WOULD GIVE A TRUTHFUL ANSWER TO THE QUESTION “DOES THIS COMB OVER MAKE MY HEAD LOOK FAT?”

So there you have it. I’d give my views on why Hillary’s presidency wouldn’t be a good thing, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. We all know that we wouldn’t want our grandmothers being president now would we!

BLOGGER’S NOTE: RANDY APPEARED THROUGH THE GOODNESS OF HIS HEART AND A VERY LIBERAL, EASILY BRIBED SECURITY GUARD AT THE DAISY HILL RETIREMENT HOME IN EAST PISCATAWAY, NEW JERSEY.

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LEGAL STUFF: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL! All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to https://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE FOR INCLUDING THEM IN ANY POST. SOME ADS APPEAR AS A CONDITION OF USE OF WORDPRESS.COM’S SOFTWARE AND SERVER SPACE AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR APPEARANCE AND HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER THEIR APPEARANCE IN contemporarymusings.