blo-vee-ate; v., To be Donald Trump

I just couldn’t resist this one!

Recently a well known columnist made a derogatory remark about the “Donald”.  Like “DUH”  it was something we didn’t already know?  I’m sure the man is crying all the way to one of his many banks.

DUH!

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NOTE: All original written material or original graphics are property of the originator and author of this blog (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to http://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted.

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MEMORIAL DAY SOAPBOX – NO FOOLISHNESS

I just felt compelled to get serious for a moment . . . seriously, no foolishness.  Today is Memorial Day here in the good ol’ US of A as described in one of my last posts.  And it got me thinking, how many people in this country today realize the severity of the meaning of Memorial Day?  It’s not just the beginning of summer as some think, it is not just a day to have barbecues and swim parties or trips to Disneyland.  It’s a day to remember the men and women of this country beginning  in the days preceding and during the American Revolution back in the mid 1700′s who died to get us where we are today.  People who decided that living under the tyranny of the king of England was not how they wanted to live and decided to revolt against his rule.  Some of those people died to make this a country free of unfair religious requirements, taxation, imprisonment without cause and cruel and unusual punishment.

It’s about the men and women who died during the war of 1812 when once again, Britain tried to take control of our government through unscrupulous practices.

It’s about one section of this country that decided that slavery was an appropriate way to promote commerce at the expense of others and the war that was ultimately fought to end the practice.  Once again, men and women died to fight injustice.  Not injustice from a foreign invader, but from our own people.

It’s about men and women who died fighting two wars in Europe and the south Pacific to not only protect our own freedom, but the freedoms of those who could not defend themselves.  One of those countries was the one who twice tried to take our liberties away.

It’s about men and women who died trying to free two countries in the Orient from tyranny.  And men and women who are dying today in the middle east avenging the deaths of over three thousand innocent Americans on September 11, 2001.

I firmly believe that there are too many Americans in this country  who haven’t the vaguest idea of what it took to get us where we are today.  To protect the rights of American citizens in this country and abroad.  Too many people who believe that those sacrifices were made just so they could sit on their haunches with their hands out and ask “What are you gonna do for me today?”

No, my friend, that is not the reasons that those sacrifices were made.  They were made to give us the opportunity to go out and do for ourselves.  To earn a living, not have one handed to us.

I have another question. How many people do you see illegally sneaking across the border trying to get into Communist China, or Mexico, Venezuela, Somalia, or any other third world country?

Around the turn of the 2oth century millions of people legally immigrated to this country seeking a better life for themselves and their families.  They didn’t sit with their hands out asking “What are you gonna to do for me today?”  They got jobs, hard jobs, dirty jobs and earned their way to U.S. citizenship legally.

Too many people don’t know the costs that were paid by our forefathers to get America where it is today.  They think that the ride is free.  It’s not!

And for those who think that our borders are open for their convenience, I’d like to see them try to sneak into Disneyland and demand that they be given free access to all of the rides and attractions there.  They’d get thrown out on their butts.  Why should it be different with American society and the privileges that citizens who are willing to live, work and yes, sometimes die for, enjoy?

I have no problem with Americans who are able to, and do work.  I have no problem with those who come here legally and go through the correct process to become citizens.  To both groups I say “GOD bless you”.  It’s those who think that they are entitled to, for free, what others have paid for that I have considerable disdain.

Think about it.

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY 2012.

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NOTE: All original written material or original graphics are property of the originator and author of this blog (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to http://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted.

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MOSQUITOES AND OTHER “QUESTIONABLE” THINGS

DID HE HAVE TO BRING THESE BUGGERS?

Several months ago I was honored with four distinguished blogging awards which were greatly appreciated.  The honor came with responsibility as with all honors, so I honored the bestower by bestowing the honor on other unsuspecting bloggers, who received my bestowal of the honors with suspect!  I suspect that these honorees didn’t comprehend the gravity of the honors, hence the suspectivity on their part.  Know what I mean Vern?

Just recently I was (nope I’m not gonna say the word) blessed with being tagged by a fellow blogger at NOSUGARJUSTSPICE.  So as not to break the spell and to continue the fun, I have opted to pay forward the kind deed.  Here are the rules of the tag:

1. You must post the rules

2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post

3. Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged

4. Tag eleven people with a link to your post

5. Let them know you tagged them

The rules don’t say anything about answering the questions with rational answers; but then, no one has ever accused me of being rational either! So, with without further ado, I give to you my irrational readers, my responses to the obligatory (for you Democrats, that means that I have to answer them) answers.

THE QUESTIONS

1. What’s the most exciting thing you’ve done in the last year?

I HAD A COLONOSCOPY.

2. Favourite 80’s movie?

AIRPLANE.  SHIRLEY YOU AGREE

3. Do you still have toys from when you were a child?

HECK OF COURSE I DO, I NEVER GREW UP!

4. You’re being sent to Biosphere 2 for a year and can only take one person, who would it be?

W. ATLEE BURPEE. YOU KNOW THE SEED GUY.  WE’D NEVER GO HUNGRY.  WAIT, I’M NOT A VEGAN. SCRATCH HIM.  HMM,  SAUL THE BUTCHER,  WE’D NEVER GO HUNGRY.

5. If you could be a member of the opposite sex for a day, would you?

WELL THAT’S A NO BRAINER!  MY WIFE’S A WOMAN, AND I’M A MAN.  HOW MUCH MORE OPPOSITE COULD I BE?

6. Is there anything in the area surrounding you right now that could be used to fight zombies in the apocalypse?

WASN’T THAT A MOVIE IN THE 80′S WITH SIGOURNEY WEAVER?  IF SO, I WANT TO CHANGE MY ANSWER TO NUMBER TWO ABOVE.

7. How many alarms does it take to wake you up of a morning? (It takes me 5)

ONE.  IT’S A DIGITAL ONE WITH RED NUMBERS ON IT AND IT SCREAMS “HEY BOZO, GET UP”!

8. Hollywood is remaking your favourite movie ever and wants you to play your favourite character from that movie, which movie is it and who are you playing?

THE GRADUATE.  MRS. ROBINSON. THEN I WOULD HAVE A HIT SONG ABOUT ME SUNG BY SIMON AND GARFUNKLE.  COO KOO CA CHOO . . .

9. What are 5 terms/names/etc you wish you had never heard and could be removed history?

FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT.  1.)  WORK.  IT’S THE BAIN OF ALL CAPITAL (GET IT BAIN OF ALL . . . NEVER MIND YOU’RE PROBABLY A LIBERTARIAN). 2.) SEX. IT’S TIED TOO CLOSELY TO NUMBER ONE ABOVE AND NUMBER THREE BELOW. 3.)  POLITICS.  BECAUSE IT’S DERIVED FROM THE GREEK WORD “POL-I-TICS” WHICH MEANS TO S-T-R-E-T-C-H THE TRUTH.  4.) GOLF. IF YOU DON’T DO NUMBER ONE THEN YOU DON’T GET NUMBER TWO, THEN YOU HAVE GO OUT AND HIT A LITTLE WHITE BALL AROUND A COW PASTURE OR WIND UP IN NUMBER THREE. 5.) ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM.  I CAN’T SPELL IT.

10. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done when drunk?

SOBERED UP!

11. If you could wake up tomorrow and walk into your dream job what would it be?

IF IT IS A DREAM JOB, WHY WOULD I WANT TO WAKE UP TOMORROW?  I’M ALREADY IN IT!

MY ELEVEN QUESTIONS TO MY “TAGEES”.  BE CAREFUL, THERE’S A TEST AT THE END.

1.  WHO’S BURIED IN GRANTS TOMB?

2.  HOW WOULD YOU COMPLETE THE  FOLLOWING STATEMENT?: “CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN THE _______ IS/ARE ______ AND WE  DON’T HAVE ANY _______!

3.  WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUSHI DISH?

4.  IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT ERA WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WHY?

5.  WHO IN YOUR OPINION IS THE GREATEST LIVING HUMAN BEING?

6.  IN THE STATE OF MISSOURI, CAN A MAN MARRY HIS WIDOW’S SISTER?

7.  WHICH IS BETTER CABLE OR SATELLITE?

8.   WHERE DID YOU SPEND YOUR LAST VACATION?

9.  HOW MANY OF EACH ANIMAL DID MOSES BRING ABOARD THE ARK* AND WHY DO YOU THINK HE BROUGHT MOSQUITOES?

10.  DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE “HEREAFTER”?

11.  HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE HAPPINESS?

. . . AND THE LUCKY TAGEES ARE (UNFORTUNATELY I ONLY KNOW 10 LINKS OFF HAND):

CECILESWRITERS

SHOREACRES

ADOPTINGJAMES

LOOSERORNOT

DAMANTIGUI

DIANE-OWENS

LISTFULTHINKING

FELLOWSHIPOFTHEMINDS

IAMNOTDEFINED

PUTTINGITOUTTHERE

WELL THAT DOES IT FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS.

*None.  Noah brought two of each kind of animal on the Ark.

For you newcomers, welcome.  For you my regulars, don’t you have a life yet???????

CONTEMPORARY MUSINGS, A 2012 AWARD WINNING BLOG

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NOTE: All original written material or original graphics are property of the originator and author of this blog (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to http://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted.

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MEMORIAL DAY AND THE FLAG ( A RE-POST FROM MAY 2011)

LONG MAY SHE WAVE!

I did something today that I should have done a long time ago (no I took a bath last month!).  I put up an American flag in the front of our house.  Not the least amazing thing about it was the fact that the flag was not made in Hung Chow, China . . . it was made right here in the good ol’ US of A.  I bought it at a well known national discount retailer for less than ten dollars and I have to say that it is a well made flag.   

I did it in honor of Memorial Day and I plan to fly it on June 14th, July 4th, Labor Day and Veterans Day to mention just a few.  Memorial Day is a day in which we honor all of those individuals, male and female, black and white, Christian, Jew and Muslim, of all ethnic backgrounds who have died in service to our country in the military (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorial_Day).

Erecting the flag reminded me of the week after 9/11 when the only flag that I could find was one that was about 9 feet wide by 20 feet long.  I erected that one as best I could in the front of our house in Texas. I didn’t think the neighbors would mind.  But before I did though, I went to the internet to see if I could find a website on “American flag protocol”.  And sure enough I did ( see http://www.usa-flag-site.org/etiquette.shtml ).  As with all internet searches, there are numerous websites devoted to the care and handling of our national symbol of honor and  freedom, so I picked the one that I thought best suited my needs.

I bring this up not only because it is Memorial day 2011, but because I believe that it is a good thing to revisit a part of our heritage that sometimes seems to be either forgotten or ignored.  The American flag, by federal law, is to be handled, displayed, and properly disposed of when no longer fit to serve as a symbol of our country. I know many of us learned about the flag in school, the Boy/Girl Scouts and military, but many not have or just plain forgot about it.

To those who have served and died, we owe a debt of gratitude and I think it is best described in the following poem by Major Kelly Strong USAF:

I watched the flag pass by one day It fluttered in the breeze A young soldier saluted it, and then He stood at ease

I looked at him in uniform So young, so tall, so proud With hair cut square and eyes alert He’d stand out in any crowd

I thought how many men like him Had fallen through the years How many died on foreign soil? How many mothers’ tears?

How many Pilots’ planes shot down? How many foxholes were soldiers’ graves? No – Freedom isn’t free

I heard the sound of taps one night, When everything was still I listened to the bugler play And felt a sudden chill

I wondered just how many times That Taps had meant “Amen” When a flag had draped a coffin Of a brother or a friend

I thought of all the children, Of the mothers and the wives, Of fathers, sons and husbands With interrupted lives

I thought about a graveyard at the Bottom of the sea Of unmarked graves in Arlington. No – Freedom isn’t free!

Have a happy and safe Memorial day.  Thanks for stopping by cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS.

CREDITS: Freedom Isn’t Free – http://www.ellenbailey.com/poems/ellen_104.htm, Photo – www.freefoto.com, others as cited above.  FREEDOM – Those, living and dead, who have fought to keep this country free.

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NOTE: All original written material or original graphics are property of the originator and author of this blog (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to http://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted.

FEAR FACTORS AND REALITY TV SHOWS – RATED PG21

                FROM A COLD ROCKY ROAD TO A HOT PURSUIT!

I was going through some old paper work recently and I ran across a commentary that I had written about ten years ago for my then website regarding reality shows.  At that time they were just in their infancy  and I guess we were sure that they wouldn’t last.  This particular piece was written about NBC’s offering, “Fear Factor” which went off the air for several years but has recently returned.  Since that time back in 2002 there have been numerous reality show additions to the nightly tv lineup and I would have to guess that competition from the satellite networks has everything to do with it.

As I was reading what I had written back then, it dawned on me that things haven’t changed much in the world of nighttime network viewing fare.  So I decided to update it and share it with the world once again.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

FEAR FACTOR 2002

The other day I was driving home listening to the news on the radio and there was a story about the producers of the popular tv show “Fear Factor.” It seems that they have caught flack from some group or regulatory body concerning a stunt that they recently had their contestants perform.

It was so bad that the newscaster wouldn’t even mention what the stunt consisted of. All he would say is that it involved the contestants eating the part of a pig that no one (presumably in their right mind) would even think about eating. Now let’s see. . . hmm. You can get “calf fries” in Ft. Worth. Those are bull testicles. And we’ve heard of people out west eating mountain oysters; sheep’s testicles. What could it be that no one in their right mind would eat? Hmm. . .Yeech! Pig pe’ ???. . . No I won’t even go there!

How is it that we, as a civilized society, have denigrated ourselves to the point that, not only would we lower our threshold of propriety so as to make fools of ourselves in public for money, but the rest of us support legitimate businesses that sponsor such idiocy by watching their tv shows?!

Am I missing something here? Who thinks up this crap? I can only guess that the producers must have been “latchkey” kids. You know the kids who, after school let out, went home to an empty house because both mom and dad were working. We’ve always heard that an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Well, I can think of no better place for such a workshop than a house with a couple of young kids and no adult supervision.

GENESIS

Picture this.  Ten years ago little Bobby goes to the fridge looking for an afternoon snack and finds the liver that mom has planned for that night’s dinner. “Mmmm”, he thinks to himself, “What if! Blind fold my little sister and tell her I’ll give her five dollars if she puts this in her mouth and holds it for a whole minute?”

Then to take it a step further, he decides that to finance his little escapade (why should he use the five dollars that Grandma gave him for Christmas?), he’ll call all the other latchkey kids in the neighborhood and charge them a buck to watch. Everybody wins. Little sister makes a cool sawbuck, Bobby, if he has enough sick friends, makes a buck or two and the neighborhood kids are entertained for the afternoon.

Do you kind of see where I’m going with this? Fast forward a few years. Bobby, now a college grad, works for the BABEL TV network. He’s a producer for the wildly popular reality show “Who Can Eat Themselves to Death?” and his audience just happens to be former latchkey kids like those from his old neighborhood. Of course, now little sister demands more than five bucks to eat pig . . . never mind, and Bobby’s two ex-wives are crucifying him with child support. So he and his present wife both work to support their two kids . . . kids that go home after school every day to a house without adult supervision! And what do you think they do while there’s no else at home? You think? Naaaw!

REALITY SHOWS 2012

Okay, okay.  I’ll admit the above is a little extreme, but it could have happened.  On the other hand there are shows like ABC’s Dancing With the Stars. It is a decent show, I mean if you can deal with Bruno and Len’s constant bickering.  The music, in my opinion, is fantastic, the dancing is fun and the standup comedy of the host Tom Bergeron is entertaining.

But according to Wikipedia, many of the reality shows available for viewer consumption today are not reality at all; they’re scripted.  In other words everything is not ad lib and that includes not only the dialogue but the action as well.

THE REALITY

In Bobby’s latest gem, “Who Can Eat Themselves to Death?” overweight contestants are given an unlimited budget to eat anything that doesn’t eat them first.  However, the “anything” they eat can only be in bakeries, ice cream shops, fast food restaurants and pubs around the world. Salads do not come under the heading of “anything”.  In short anything that is considered healthy by the cardiac health community is verboten.  They only have one month in which to succumb to cardiac arrest and if in that month they are caught eating one healthy morsel, they’re booted off the show.  The first contestant to die from heart failure in that thirty days, gets $1,000,000.00.  Well, their survivors get the million.  Can you see it now?  “C’mon daddy, you can do it, I’m getting married in two months and I need to pay for the opulent affair I’m planning!”

WE DIDN’T KNOW THAT

What the producers don’t tell you is that they provide kegs of beer and cartons of cigarettes to the contestants before each taping to help them get sloshed and revved up on nicotine.  Then, after the participants are set loose to forage for cholesterol, a pack of vicious Doberman Pinschers are set free to encourage them to find refuge in the nearest fat factory where they must stay until a certain amount of goodies are downed.  Once that happens, they are free to leave only to be hounded by the “Hounds of the Baskin Robbins“ once again to find another eatery and repeat the routine.  And, racers are encouraged to display aberrant behavior toward the others in hopes that high emotions and blood pressures cause fellow contestants to drop out.

BOY AM I GOOD OR WHAT

Brilliant, huh?  I must have been a latchkey kid in my former life!  But don’t even think about it folks.  I’ve already got the rights for the title and the concept!  What’s really troublesome about the whole thing is that tv execs consider this entertainment.  We don’t have to watch the six o’clock news anymore to see gore and violence, all we have to do grab a couple of cold PBRs and a bag of potato chips and turn on prime time and root for “Fatty Armbuckel, Thunder Thighs Thelma, and Fanny bRice Krispy Treats!”

THE FACTS

You see, it doesn’t take much to produce one of these fine entertainment spectacles.  Just a few willing individuals ready to sell their souls to the network for their fifteen minutes of fame.  One reason; the overhead is so low  that the people participating in the program are unknowns who have no leverage in negotiating payment . . . that is with the exception of the Donald’s “Celebrity Apprentice” (half of CA’s participants are actors of one kind or another anyway).

AND THEY THOUGHT GILLIGAN’S ISLAND WASN’T FUN!

 EPILOGUE

Well, I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on the networks,  no one has ever accused them of having souls themselves. Oooops! Gotta go.  It’s almost time for my favorite show, THE AMAZING GILLIGAN’S ISLAND SURVIVOR BACHELOR .  Steve has formed an alliance with a rabid orangutan to secretly knock off Jessica so that he can win the heart of Babs, the great grand-daughter of Thurston Howell the III and Mary Ann (Aw c’mon now.  You didn’t think that Thursty didn’t fool around on that old hag Lovey now did you?)

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COMING SOON, ANOTHER EDITION OF THE “STYCKZ FAMILY” COMIC – CHIP AND HIS BUDS DO SOME GOOD “STUFF” MAN!

2012 BLOG AWARDS

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NOTE: All original written material or original graphics are property of the originator and author of this blog (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to http://quietstreams.wordpress.com when use is permitted.

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IT’S FUN TO GO TO THE Y-M-C-A, featuring the STYCKZ FAMILY CARTOON

FRAN, YOUR FRIENDLY PERSONAL FITNESS GUY.

Back in September of 2011 I was treated to my second coronary bypass operation in less than three years.  The funny thing is my wife and I work out 6 days a week over at the fitness center around the corner.  I did a lot of soul searching and came up with one conclusion: The staff and the machines over at MUSSCLE JYM’S FITNESS CENTER are just not doing their job of keeping me fit!  I mean if they were, maybe I wouldn’t have had to go under the knife so soon after my first procedure.  Am I wrong?!

HERE’S OUR EXERCISE ROUTINE ON A TYPICAL MORNING

1. The wife and I get there at 7:30 AM.  Chat with the people behind the counter about the weather and politics.  Have a cup of free coffee and eat a free bagel with some strawberry flavored cream cheese.  This usually takes about 15 minutes.
2. About 7:45 or so our friends, Chuck and his wife Bobbie, come in while we’re at the counter.  We chat for about 10 minutes, have another cup of coffee.
3. What the heck, it’s now ten after eight, time for another half of a bagel this time with lots of blueberry cream cheese.
4. A few minutes later I look out over the floor and I see Pastor Babble from our church working out on one of the exercycles. I wave and he calls me over.  There’s an empty one next to him so I sit down and we talk a while.  It’s now 8:35.
5. We say our goodbyes and I walk over towards one of the treadmills.  Before I get on and begin, my wife catches up with me and reminds me to call my brother about the lodge fish fry that night.  I do it before I forget.
6. I look at the clock and it’s 8:50.  Now I’m ready to begin my workout.  I start searching for my ear buds.  I can’t work on the treadmill without my ear buds! I start doing the “Macarena”, or at least that’s what my wife says I look like I’m doing when I start looking for things on my person.  Darn, they’re in the car.  I have to go and get them.
7. I get back inside and wouldn’t you know it, I’m hungry again; the other half of the bagel, this time plain cream cheese.  Then it’s on to the treadmill . . .  it’s now nine-o-five.  I plug my ear buds into the tv monitor receiver and . . . nothing.  CNN, NBC, FOX News, all dead as a door nail (what exactly is a door nail anyway?).  I have to look for an empty treadmill.  A quick spin of the head and darn, they’re all taken!  I decide to go it without the news.  Darn again!  This treadmill doesn’t work.
8. I step down from the number nine machine and stop Fran, the fitness trainer and advise him of number nine’s condition.  “Yes, J.” he says, “we’re aware of it.  All you have to do is make sure it’s plugged in like Larry just did.  Sometimes people kick the plug out of the socket.  Larry doesn’t stay on it very long.  It’ll be free in about five minutes.”  I look over and sure enough Larry’s tread milling away on ol’ number 9, listening to CNN!
9. It’s now 9:20.  I’m beat.  I look for my wife who is just finishing up her workout.  She signals that she is ready to leave.  So am I!  We head for the door.
10. Wow! There’s one more bagel left.

See what I mean.  I wonder if I’d have better luck at the “Y”?  Naw, they don’t have free beer and pizza every Monday night!.

LOVE IN BLOOM

Then there’s the young women at the front desk!  Brazen.  That’s the best way to describe them, brazen.  They think that the sun rises and sets on me.  I mentioned the free bagels and coffee above.  Everyone else has to pay, including my wife.  I have never been able to figure that one out. But what the heck, I have to admit, I am charming.  Mariline, especially won’t leave me alone.  She speaks fluent Spanish and always says the sweetest things to me en Espanol.

THE LOVELY YOUNG LADIES AT THE FRONT DESK.

The other day she told me that I was her “Pequeño-a rata valiosísimo sucio-a.”  Ah Espanol, what a beautiful language!  So I repaid the compliment to her and told her that she was the “Chocolate’ pollo El grande de la cora’zon.”  She has the sweetest laugh.

Then there’s the manager Calley.  What a babe!  She once told me that she “. . . wouldn’t waste a minute chasing after me!”  Man, you know you’ve got it when a dame tells you something like that!

In the words of that famous Country and Western singer Mac Davis “Lord it’s hard to be humble, but I’m doin’ the best that I can!”

 THE TRAINER

Fran the personal fitness guy . . .  what a guy! I think I remember him and “wedgies“  from high school.  The only thing different is that he had hair back then and now he gets paid to taunt me.  The other day he was trying to get me to bench press twenty pounds.  When I was explaining about my recent surgery, I believe that I heard him mumble something under his breath that resembled the word “maggot”.  I never did make the connection.

ONE OF MUSSCLE JYM'S "STATE OF THE ART" MACHINES.

DETERMINATION

Well, regardless, I am determined to avoid another visit to the cardiac surgical unit of the hospital.  One heart can only take so much fun!  Besides, I don’t believe that I have any more veins for the doctor to harvest.  I just think that I’ll lay off of the strawberry cream cheese, besides strawberries give me gas.

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THE STYCKZ FAMILY

NOTICE

No over aged muscle bound body builders were harmed in the writing of this blog.  Void where prohibited.  See fine print for details.

OTHER NOTICE

LEGAL STUFF: All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to http://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE.

cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS A 2012 Award Winning Blog

YAEVER WONDER PART TWO – “THE COMPUTERS OF WESTWYCKE”

FUNNY GEEKS!

We’ve all seen the e-mail from our over zealous friends (you know, the ones who forward every picture and every hoax known to mankind) featuring the birthday cake from the Wal-Mart bakery that says “Bye Joe, We Will Miss You” with the instructions ”IN BIG BLUE LETTERS” inscribed under the going away wishes.  Well, I saw one such evidence of a lack of computer savvy several years ago in an office file.  Someone had apparently left a 3.5 floppy diskette on someone’s desk with the instructions “Make a copy of this diskette and place it in the file.”  Not surprisingly enough the instructions were followed to a tee.  When I had the job of auditing the file for archiving purposes some time later, there it was as big as day;  A Xerox copy of the diskette complete with the instructions to make a copy of it and file it, right there in the file!  No diskette, just a “Xerox copy” of it.

Computers!  You gotta love ‘em! . . . that’s because they’re everywhere and they run our lives today.

COMPUTERS 101

Yaever wonder where some of the computer terms we use today come from.  Well, you’re fixin’ to find out partner.  Take for instance the term “BUG” as it pertains to computers; it is not a figurative term, well not originally anyway.  Back in 1947 in the computer stone age a computer operator named Grace Hopper was experiencing a problem with a Mark II Aiken Relay calculator, a primitive computer located in the hallowed halls of Harvard University.  When the machine was opened up to allow troubleshooting to take place, technicians actually found a moth lodged between two circuit contacts which shorted out the circuit.  The dead moth caused it to malfunction.  Hence everything that causes a computer to malfunction today is known as a “bug”.

COMPUTER TERMS FOR DUMMIES

 THIS IS GETTING GOODER

Floppy Disks?????  Well, not now of course.  As a matter of fact if you’ve recently become familiar with using a computer, you probably don’t even know what a “floppy” disk looks like.  That’s because they’ve been put out to pasture in recent years and replaced with other media such as cd-roms, DVD-roms and USB “thumb” drives (aka jump drives or flash drives).  Originally they were thin sheets of magnetic material similar to the tape in cassette tapes used to record sound or VHS cassettes to record video (if you’re not familiar with either, go ask granddad or uncle Sid and they’ll be glad to fill you in).  The recording material is a just little thicker than the music/video tapes and is very flexible and is usually encased in a rigid or semi-rigid envelope; hence the name “floppy“.  They were, and still are to some extent, used to store and transfer data from one PC to another.  This oddly enough gave rise to the term “sneaker network” or “sneakernet“.

BORED TO TEARS YET?

Why QWERTYUIOP?????  I’m glad you asked that question because I was starting to fall asleep myself.  If the English alphabet has 26 letters beginning with ABC, how come the computer keyboard has such a strange looking configuration?  Well, it goes back to the early days of the typewriter (okay go get grandpa or uncle Sid again to explain the typewriter or if you’re old enough, watch AMCTV’s Mad Men).  If the typewriter keyboard had used the letters of the English alphabet in the order that we know, ABC etc., the keys would have periodically jammed when depressed thereby slowing down the process of reproducing words on paper.  The solution to this problem is credited to C.L. Sholes of Milwaukee, WI in 1860.  When it came time to create an “input device” for “digital data” (a fancy term for computer information) the natural tendency was to avoid re-inventing the wheel and use the typewriter keyboard.

PROTOCOL ANYONE?

Where in the world did the term “http://” come from?  My, we’re full of questions today, aren’t we?!  The term http:// stands for hypertext transfer protocol (don’t go bother grandpa on this one, he’s clueless also).  Mainly we all know it as a method of finding our way around the internet.  It can be used for much more than that, and if you’re interested there’s a gazillion sources out there that can explain it way better than I can.  But for our purposes let’s look at it like this:

1.  Hypertext a method of storing data through a computer program that allows a user to create and link fields of information at will and to retrieve the data non-sequentially.  (I couldn’t have said it better myself.)

2.  The “P” in http stands for protocol.  For example, you can have diplomatic protocol, or you can have office protocol.  Both are nothing more than a set of rules for how business is conducted when you are interacting with a foreign country or functioning in a business office.  Since computers use logic (Ha!  That’s a laugh . . .  wait a minute Dave, there was me the HAL 9000 in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey) there must be a logical set of rules for the  computer to follow to enable it to access information.

So, HTTP is nothing more than a set of rules for sending data.  In our case we are asking the computer to go out into cyberspace using a Universal Resource Locator to take us to a server (a computer set aside for a specific function) located in a specific location.  Now isn’t that logical, Dave?

FINALLY

And, NO folks, it’s not a cup holder!  This one is a classic and it’s long, so I’m assigning it as homework.  Our good friends at SNOPES.COM couldn’t have said it any better.  As a matter of fact, that’s where the homework assignment is located.  It’s titled “Word Imperfect” or you could subtitle it “Too Stupid to Own a Computer”.  Either way, it’s worth the trip through cyberspace.

 CLASS DISMISSED

So there you have it.  A crash course in computers.  I’d spend more time on more subjects, but the above is the most my nine-year old granddaughter would explain to me this afternoon.  Don’t forget, ”POP QUIZ” next class!

If you’d like to know more about computers and how they work go to:

http://www.howstuffworks.com/pc.htm

http://www.explainthatstuff.com/howcomputerswork.html

http://www.examiner.com/using-computers-in-national/how-they-work-how-computers-store-numbers-using-binary

And if you really want to know how they work, trust me this guy knows a lot, Professor Messer at  http://www.professormesser.com/free-a-plus-training/a-plus-videos/professor-messers-free-comptia-a-certification-training-course/

Or just do a search on How Computers Work in any search engine.

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cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS A 2012 AWARD WINNING BLOG

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LEGAL STUFF: All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to http://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE.

OPEN CONFESSION, I’M . . .

(April 1, 2012)

Well, I am going to do something I should have done a long time ago.  I am going to admit that I am . . . I’m a flying, flaming,  standup comic/cartoonist wannabe!  Whew!!! Boy what a relief!!  That’s a load off my mind!  I can’t tell you how liberating that feels.  But I guess that if you’ve followed this blog for any length of time you picked up on that.  I mean the signs were all there.  The bad jokes, the amateurish drawings, the weird postings.  How could you miss it?  I can only hope that my wife and our children will understand.  But then, I guess they knew all the time but just didn’t want to say anything that might hurt my feelings.  Thank you guys for your undying love and support.  I would never do anything to hurt our family’s name.  I used to think that I would rather tell you that I was a piano player in a house of ill repute than a comedian/cartoonist!

THE FIRST SIGNS

I first noticed that I was different from the other kids back in grammar school.  When they were agonizing over arithmetic and science, I was drawing stick figure cartoons and pretending that I was Henny Youngman.  Once when my fifth grade teacher, Sister Hotlipps (not really her name, but I fantasized  what she would look like in a bikini rather than her habit) called on me and asked, “What were General George Armstrong Custer’s last words to his troops before the Battle of Little Big Horn?”, I automatically blurted out “Look at all those @&#)( $% Indians!!!!!!” *  My fellow classmates lost it.  However, I guess Sister and the principal didn’t appreciate the humor in the situation.

By the time I got to high school I had somewhat honed both of my hidden skills and continued my career as the “class clown”.  I had advanced my graphic abilities beyond stick figures by trying to emulate the incomparable talents of Mad Magazine’s resident cartoonist, Don Martin.  My comedy was a combination of too much Texaco’s Star Theatre starring Milton Berle, Sid Caesar’s Your Show of Shows and the Jack Benny Show starring Jack Benny.  OOps! How could I forget  Red Skelton and his menagerie of screwball characters and Groucho Marx  and his brothers.  I’m sure that there were others along the way, but who’s keeping track at this stage.

MY RADIO DAYS

When I dropped out of college in 19(mumbled numbers) I got a job working for a radio station in New Orleans which gave me a springboard for the next eight and one half years in broadcasting.  I went back to college after a stint in the military where I worked briefly in Armed Forces Radio.  In college I pursued a career in broadcasting, graduated with a BA in Radio and Television Production, and attempted to make my way in the world.  Did I mention that I was also a Millionaire wannabe?  Yep, making money was my only motive.  People love comics but unfortunately the cashier at the supermarket was not so amused and wanted cash!  I was forced to give up my dream and get a real job

FAST FORWARD ??TY YEARS

“So, what’s this all leading up to?”, you might ask?  Well, after my time in the business world in a job I abhorred, I retired.  I should have done it earlier.  But that same cashier at the supermarket checkout stand, (or was it now her daughter?) still wanted cash.  Now you, my captive audience are stuck with me.  All of the above brings me to this, my next post . . . a cartoon strip about the Styckz family.  I plan to invite them into your computer periodically, I mean that is if you don’t mind, and only hope that they will one day make you laugh.  If not, I have a link to Stephan Pastis’ “Pearls Before Swine” comic strip over to the right of your monitor screen.  If you do choose to go there, please tell Rat hello for me.  Thanks.

Now without any further fanfare, I give to you the “Styckz Family”.

(RAUCOUS APPLAUSE FOR ABOUT 15 SECONDS)

THE STYCKX FAMILY LINEAGE

State Senator River Styckz: One of his philosophies is “Keep ‘em stupid and they’ll vote for you forever!”  A veiled reference to his policies of not adequately funding state education.  His reasoning, “. . . educated kids grow up to be educated voters and educated voters can see right through ‘tinhorn’ politicians (Politicos who make a lot of noise blowing their own “tinhorns”) and vote them out of office if they are not doing a good job”.  He is a very ethical politician, and says that he cannot be bought.  However, he notes that he is available on a long term lease!

Rosewood Styckz:  The senator’s only wife for 19 years.  Rosewood is a homemaker, mother of two and caretaker of the family dog Barky.  She drinks heavily.  She rarely addresses her husband by his first name, opting instead to call him “Senator”.  It shores up his ego.

Lipp Styckz: The 17 year old teen aged daughter of River and Rosewood.  She’s a flippant high school junior, who can’t decide whether she wants to be a “Goth” or a debate team star.  So she dresses in grey and uses grey makeup.

Chip Styckz: The 15 year old teen aged son of River and Rosewood.  He’s into rap, hip-hop, skateboarding, smokes dried parsley (marijuana is too expensive) and hangs with his buds Tirk and Raymona.

Mother Styckz: Senator River Styckz mother.  A widow once married to the senator’s father, Match.  Match unfortunately met an untimely death at the hands of a jealous husband when he was caught having a hot, torrid,  love affair with his exotic dancer wife “Redd Hott” Flame.  Mother Styckz shows up periodically for an extended visit, which is part of the reason Rosewood drinks heavily.

Barky: A designer dog,  Dalmatian/Dachshund, or a Dachsmatian (if you want to call him a Dalshund it’s okay).

Supporting Cast

Ebony Wood: Lipp’s African-American female high school friend, confidant and stylist.

Tirk: No apparent last name as his family is not sure what their heritage is.

Raymona: He has a last name, but refuses to disclose it to anyone.  It’s rumored that he is part Kazakstanican, part Hispanic, part Tahitian etc, etc. etc.  Apparently his ancestors got around.

A family portrait:

 

                                       THE STYCKZ FAMILY PORTRAIT

THE FIRST INSTALLMENT

Our first installment of the Styckz family finds River getting ready to go to the Senate building for opening day:

Well that does it for this edition of cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS .  I’m so glad we had this time together.  And as always “keep the shiny side up and the greasy side down!”

*NOTE: To comply with the Federal Truth In Comedy Act, I am required to explain that I didn’t tell you that I still imagine myself being on stage on the Ed Sullivan show  following Steve and Eydie and tend to embellish the truth a whole lot.  Any resemblance to any person living or dead mentioned or referred to in this blog is purely co-incidental and would surprise the heck out of me.  No disc jockeys or politicians were harmed in the writing of this blog.  The management of this blog is not responsible.  Please blog responsibly.

cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS 2012 BLOGGING AWARDS

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LEGAL STUFF: All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to http://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE.

AMUSEMENT, LOVE AND CROOKED LIDS – A REPOST FROM 2011

US TODAY

THE MEN (AND WOMEN) WHO CRY “WOLF!” (a Randy Looney exclusive!)

BREAKING NEWS . . . AND BOY, IS THIS NEWS BROKEN!!

BYLINE – RANDY LOONEY

I’m sure we’re all familiar with the story of the boy who cried “wolf”.  If not, I’ll refresh your memory.

The tale concerns a shepherd boy who repeatedly tricks nearby villagers into thinking a wolf is attacking his flock. When a wolf actually does appear, the villagers do not believe the boy’s cries for help, and the flock is destroyed. The moral at the end of the story shows that this is how liars are not rewarded: even if they tell the truth, no one believes them.  BTW, it’s one of Aesop’s fables.  He’s the guy who wrote the one about the rabbit and the turtle.  You remember, back in Ancient days it was “BREAKING NEWS!”

THE FACTS, MA’AM, JUST THE FACTS

I believe when the authorities finally caught up with the kid down at the Agora Lounge in Mid-town, he was arrested, booked over at Central Lockup in ancient Athens and thrown in the slammer until a week later when his bail of one thousand Drachmas was posted by Socrates (or So-Krates as Bill and Ted so amusingly called him in their “Excellent Adventure“).  Back then it took a little longer to release prisoners because photography hadn’t yet been invented and it took a while for the police artists to chisel mug shots.

NEWS REPORTERS WHO CRY WOLF

This brings me to my latest peeve: Reporters who “Cry Wolf”.  Now, I’m not talking about guys and gals who stand on the corner of the street and actually scream “Wolf”.  That would be silly.  Most modern day cities don’t have wolves, at least not the kind that eat sheep.  I’m talking about the news media in general who over-use that trite and tiring phrase “we have Breaking News.”  I ask you, how many times can a story be breaking?  Maybe I’m being a little too anal here, but it seems to me that the first time the news about some current incident is reported, it’s been broken.  That is, it’s been released to an unknowing, unware audience.  It can’t be breaking news every five minutes for three hours steady.

It’s even worse when the news agency doesn’t know enough about the story, but they “Break” it anyway and tell the public that details are sketchy and they believe that so and so is happening.  Again I ask, “Is that news reporting?”

THE PLOT THICKENS

Here’s the kind of reporting I’m talking about:

It’s 9:30 PM and the tv is tuned to the latest episode of the hit reality show, “Who Can Eat Themselves To Death?” when the program is abruptly interrupted.

BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS

CUT TO WOODY LYE IN THE NEWS STUDIO OF KRAP-TV: KRAP has just learned of a Breaking News story about a possible kidnap/hostage situation here in town.  We now take you to the corner of Carrier and Pigeon where our crack reporter Ewebin Hadd is reporting on a suspected kidnap/hostage situation.  What do we know at this point, Ewebin?

EWEBIN HADD ON LOCATION SOMEWHERE IN TOWN: Well, Will, we don’t know much, but we have been told by an unconfirmed source that an unkown suspected kidnapper may have abducted an unknown number of either children or adults to this location behind me that may or may not be the home of the suspected unknown kidnapper.

WOODY LYE:  It’s Woody, Ewebin. Do we know if the unknown suspected kidnapper is armed?

EWEBIN HADD: Well Willy, we have been told by what appears to be the police that they don’t know if the possible perpetrator of this suspected kidnap/hostage situation is possibly armed or not.  They suspect that he/she is . . .  and I have to add the “she” because we don’t know if the suspected unknown kidnapper/hostage taker is a male or a female . . .  we think that the suspected kidnapper/hostage taker is armed because we heard from an anonymous source who thinks that he knows the neighbor of the first cousin of a man who once dated a woman who spoke to the possible perp over the phone about having some pickle packing done for her.

WILL LYE: It’s Woody, Ewebin, Woody. So what you are saying Ewebin is that it is unknown if a possible pickle packing perpetrator is packing a pistol.  Is that what I’m hearing, Ewebin?

EWEBIN HADD:  Well Willywood, we only know what the police know, which at this point is not a whole lot.  All they can do is assume that a crime has been committed, or will be committed, because they received an anonymous tip that something big was going to happen in the house behind me tonight.  That’s all we think that we know at this time Will.

WOODY LYE:  Woody, Ewebin, Woody.  My name is Woody. W-O-O-D-Y. Soooooo.  Okay Ewebin.  Thank you for your report, just keep us informed and we’ll continue to break this story.

EWEBIN HADD:  Well Wil . . . er, Wooly, we’ll keep you well informed.  Reporting live for KRAP from somewhere in town, Ewebin Hadd.  Back to you Willoody.

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DEVELOPING STORY DEVELOPING STORY DEVELOPING STORY

Then after three to four hours of constantly bombarding the tv viewers and radio listeners with this “Breaking News”, the story becomes a ”DEVELOPING STORY”.  This goes on for about about eight to ten hours in the Developing Story phase. After ten hours or so it’s determined that Ewebin Hadd was standing in front of the   Fraternity House  of  I Felta Thi  at  State  University.  And the possible kidnapping/hostage situation . . . two words, PANTY RAID!  Need I say more?

JUST DESSERTS, MA’AM, JUST DESSERTS

Turns out that Ewebin Hadd was not a “crack” reporter, but a reporter on “crack”.  He’s now at a five-thousand watt AM station in West Nowhere, Oklahoma . . . we think.  EWEBIN HADD . . . You just gotta love him!

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT??

GET A NEW CATCH PHRASE

Now granted, the above was a dramatization and not an actual news story, although it could have been.  My point is, when does a story cease to be “Breaking News”?  Does the term “Breaking News” repeated ad nausem entice news junkies to want more and watch harder?

McDonald’s Hamburgers doesn’t run the same ad for more than a specified amount of time.  The reason, researchers have found that after hearing and seeing the same commercial for an extended period of time, viewers become blase’ and lose interest in the advertiser and their products.  News is a product for broadcasters, their biggest profit maker.  Their station, whether tv or radio, is their outlet, their restaurant where we go to “buy” their products.  They need to take a page out of McDonald’s How To Manual and change their method of advertising periodically.  Get  new catch phrases!

 WOODY LYE

So the next time you are listening to the news on radio or watching local tv news, keep track of how many times the “newspersons” use those two, worn out, hack phrases, BREAKING NEWS and DEVELOPING STORY.  You’ll see what I mean.  Wood I LYE to you?

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cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS 2012 BLOG AWARDS

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Randy Looney is a periodic free lance contributor to cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS and is rumored to have played too much college football while not wearing a helmet.

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LEGAL STUFF: All original written material or original graphics are my property (unless otherwise noted), can only be used or reproduced with my written permission and must contain a link or reference to http://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com when use is permitted. ALL LINKS REFERENCED ON cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS ARE UNSOLICITED AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG IS NOT COMPENSATED IN ANY FORM, MONETARILY OR OTHERWISE.